Comments on: It’s All About You, and It’s Not About You http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/2009/01/20/its-all-about-you-and-its-not-about-you/ Thoughts on Agile software development, facilitation, communication, and relationships in the personal and professional worlds, from Steven "Doc" List Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:20:41 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Chris Matts http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/2009/01/20/its-all-about-you-and-its-not-about-you/comment-page-1/#comment-12 Chris Matts Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:56:53 +0000 http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/?p=6#comment-12 Dear "Doc" I'm not sure if we have met before but my thoughts anyway... Alistair Cockburn introduced me to a similar ( identical ) approach that his wife taught him. It has proved to be very effective over the years. I forget the exact discussion we had, but it was something along the lines of.... When someone says "I think you are stupid!". You agree. "You are right, You do think I'm stupid." When they modify to say "You are stupid!" or "You should think you are stupid" They are pushing their view onto you, so the response is "Whilst I agree you think I'm stupid, I do not have to accept that view as my own." Its a lovely mental knot to tie someone in. Especially if they are being agressive and trying to force their view on you. I forces them to acknowledge whether they are expressing a view or forcing an opinion. "I think you should do the dishes."....... "I agree"....... The dishes do not get done. As I sit surrounded by dirty dishes, I realise I must be a joy to work with. ;-) Chris Dear “Doc”

I’m not sure if we have met before but my thoughts anyway…

Alistair Cockburn introduced me to a similar ( identical ) approach that his wife taught him. It has proved to be very effective over the years. I forget the exact discussion we had, but it was something along the lines of….

When someone says “I think you are stupid!”. You agree. “You are right, You do think I’m stupid.”

When they modify to say “You are stupid!” or “You should think you are stupid” They are pushing their view onto you, so the response is “Whilst I agree you think I’m stupid, I do not have to accept that view as my own.”

Its a lovely mental knot to tie someone in. Especially if they are being agressive and trying to force their view on you. I forces them to acknowledge whether they are expressing a view or forcing an opinion.

“I think you should do the dishes.”……. “I agree”……. The dishes do not get done.

As I sit surrounded by dirty dishes, I realise I must be a joy to work with. ;-)

Chris

]]> By: Steven "Doc" List http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/2009/01/20/its-all-about-you-and-its-not-about-you/comment-page-1/#comment-7 Steven "Doc" List Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:09:57 +0000 http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/?p=6#comment-7 Another's behaviors are never the source of your anger. They may be the trigger for your anger (or whatever), but they are not the source nor the cause. That's how people like Gandhi and Mother Teresa were able to endure everything that came at them - because they never put the responsibility for their own feelings and actions on others. This is not to say that people's behavior might not be unacceptable or hurtful. Dealing with their behavior is dealing with their behavior. You can always choose not to associate with them, treat them as someone who needs help, or retaliate. You get to choose. A future post with deal with getting closer and closer to the instant of the event, in dealing with my own feelings. Another’s behaviors are never the source of your anger. They may be the trigger for your anger (or whatever), but they are not the source nor the cause. That’s how people like Gandhi and Mother Teresa were able to endure everything that came at them – because they never put the responsibility for their own feelings and actions on others.

This is not to say that people’s behavior might not be unacceptable or hurtful. Dealing with their behavior is dealing with their behavior. You can always choose not to associate with them, treat them as someone who needs help, or retaliate. You get to choose.

A future post with deal with getting closer and closer to the instant of the event, in dealing with my own feelings.

]]> By: Bonnie A http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/2009/01/20/its-all-about-you-and-its-not-about-you/comment-page-1/#comment-6 Bonnie A Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:04:55 +0000 http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/?p=6#comment-6 Good post with a lot of potential for the series. The thing I find most difficult to reconcile in this system is appropriate responses to justified anger. A person's actions might be the source of my anger because of actual damage done, and vice versa. What comes after owning your emotions? Good post with a lot of potential for the series. The thing I find most difficult to reconcile in this system is appropriate responses to justified anger. A person’s actions might be the source of my anger because of actual damage done, and vice versa. What comes after owning your emotions?

]]> By: Wendy http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/2009/01/20/its-all-about-you-and-its-not-about-you/comment-page-1/#comment-4 Wendy Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:45:19 +0000 http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/?p=6#comment-4 Its a great way to view your emotions and really understand how to make yourself happy! Reminds me of something Scott Noelle would write for the Daily Groove. Looking forward to more posts! Its a great way to view your emotions and really understand how to make yourself happy!

Reminds me of something Scott Noelle would write for the Daily Groove.

Looking forward to more posts!

]]> By: Olav Maassen http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/2009/01/20/its-all-about-you-and-its-not-about-you/comment-page-1/#comment-3 Olav Maassen Thu, 22 Jan 2009 15:38:20 +0000 http://www.stevenlist.com/blog/?p=6#comment-3 Sounds like a great topic. I am currently working on improving in this area. Where I used to judge others on their actions and myself on intentions, I'm now transforming that into judging others by their intentions. It's a lot easier to discuss with somebody with this frame of mind. My end goal of course is: do not judge. Looking forward to the rest of your posts. Sounds like a great topic. I am currently working on improving in this area. Where I used to judge others on their actions and myself on intentions, I’m now transforming that into judging others by their intentions. It’s a lot easier to discuss with somebody with this frame of mind.

My end goal of course is: do not judge.

Looking forward to the rest of your posts.

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