It had been a long day, and at around 4pm Michael found himself sitting in his favorite recliner, dozing off. You probably know the feeling – it’s just the right moment, regardless of what’s going on, and you slip off. At that moment, it doesn’t matter what’s on TV, how loud the TV is playing, who’s talking about what – you’re going to doze off regardless. And that’s where Michael was.
And just at that magical moment when Michael reached total peace and balance – just as the recliner was at the perfect angle and his mind was like a still pool – a small voice said “Daddy? Daddy? Will you take me to the store? You promised!”
Oh, my. There was nothing Michael wanted less at that moment than to sit up, get himself in gear, and get in the car to drive his daughter Megan to the store.
Of course he’d promised. But it wasn’t really that important, was it? It wasn’t something that couldn’t wait, was it? And if he just held on, he could regain that place of peace and balance. Just for a few more moments, maybe?
“Can we wait just 15 minutes, honey?”
“Well, umm, okay Daddy. Fifteen minutes. You promise?”
“You betcha, honey! Fifteen minutes.”
By the time that last word was out of his mouth, Michael was back in Nirvana. Ahhhhhhhhh.
In what seemed to Michael to have been just seconds, there was that voice again.
“Daddy? Daddy? It’s been fifteen minutes Daddy. Can we go now?”
Michael struggled. A promise is a promise, after all, and everything we do as parents teaches our children, right? But how often do we, as adults, find that wonderful moment?
Sigh.
Truthfully, Michael was feeling put upon. Of course Megan couldn’t get to the store by herself. But it just wasn’t that important and Michael really wanted to enjoy his stolen moment of peace and she could go any time – it’s not like it really had to be today and now!
Sigh.
Michael straightened his recliner and forced himself up. He went to the bathroom to rinse his face and pull himself together. Somehow he found a smile and a wink for Megan. Off they went to the store.
Of course, Megan being Megan, it didn’t quite turn out to be a direct trip to the first store.
“Daddy?” Megan asked.
“Yes, punkin?” Michael responded with some trepidation.
“You ‘member those school supplies I need? We haven’t gotten them yet. Since we’re already out, can we go by that store too and get my school supplies?”
Sigh.
“Sure, sweetheart. Might as well.”
Somehow, Michael had a feeling that this wasn’t going to be quick.
And then Michael figured that as long as they were out, he might as well stop by the book store and pick up that book he’d been wanting. But before they got there…
“Daddy?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“I forgot that Mommy said that we should pick up her prescriptions at the pharmacy while we’re out. Can we please do that too?”
Sigh.
“Sure. I guess we might as well go there first, since the pharmacy closes in a few minutes.”
Of course, that meant going a couple of miles in the other direction. And since it was about 4:30pm, it meant going through rush hour traffic as well.
Sigh.
They made it to the pharmacy before closing time, but had to wait behind three people.
Sigh.
And then they made it to the stationery store, and realized that Michael had most of the supplies that Megan needed at home. If only they’d checked before they left.
Sigh.
And when they got to the store that was their original destination, they found that Megan hadn’t called and they didn’t have what she wanted.
Sigh.
Finally they made it to the book store. Megan got fidgety and squirmy while she waited for Michael and finally asked if she could get a book too.
Sigh.
When all was said and done, they’d been out for almost two hours, much of it spent driving, and driving through rush hour traffic no less! And for almost no result.
Sigh.
When they got home, Megan had a sheepish, slightly unhappy look on her face, and said “Thank you very much, Daddy.” And she gave him a big hug and a big kiss and ran off to play or watch TV or whatever it was she was off to do.
And Michael settled back into his recliner with a sigh.
There are moments when, if we’re lucky, we catch ourselves.
As Michael settled into his favorite chair, he heard himself sigh.
And he realized that Megan had heard every one of his sighs for the past two hours.
Michael realized what the look on Megan’s face and the hug and the kiss were all about. Michael had been blaming Megan for his “hardships” and his sighs were messages to her that he was frustrated and that it was hard work and that he’d rather be napping in his recliner.
That wasn’t the message that Michael wanted to give his daughter. His children were special and important. And there would always be times when they were dependent on him to go somewhere or do something, and those times might not be convenient for him.
Michael went upstairs to Megan’s room. She was working on her homework, having gathered up the school supplies she needed.
Michael sat down on the floor next to Megan, put his arm around her, and said “Thanks for the outing, sweetie! I know I was a little tired and cranky, and that’s not your fault. I had fun.” And he gave her a kiss and he gave her a hug.
And she gave him a smile that made him happy from his toes to his cowlick.
We’re all born selfish. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn to be selfishly giving and rejoice in the happiness of others.
[Perhaps this is not just about parenthood, eh?]
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Motto: The end, if it’s what I want, justifies any means.
Motto: With enough information, we can reach a conclusion.
, Patterson et al (yes, I’m going to keep referring to this work – I think it’s seminal) talk about the Stories we tell ourselves, and understanding our Paths. In the example above (I did/didn’t whatever), my Path was the thinking that led me from what I did or didn’t do to assuming something about Debbie’s feelings, with no evidence to support that. Assumptions – you know about assumptions. Once I recognize my Path, and I can see my Story: “Debbie will probably be upset.” What happens when I tell myself that story? I feel angry/defensive/upset/hurt. That leads to me stepping out of the shower/kitchen/living room and acting on those feelings towards Debbie.
