Choices | The Doctor Is In

Posts Tagged ‘choices’

Consequences

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation | Posted by Doc

Aug 20 2009

I’m reading this book, and one character says to another “Everything has consequences.”

I swear I heard a bell go off in my head!

I’ve always said “Everything counts.” And also “if I’m present, whether I’m active or passive, I have an effect on what happens.”

And then this fictitious characters says “Everything has consequences.” and it all comes together for me.

Everything you do, or don’t do, has consequences.

“Right, Doc. Like if I give my wife a gift, it has consequences?”

Yup. And sometimes unexpected ones. Maybe the gift is too expensive, or not expensive enough. Maybe you thought she’d love it, but she sees it in a way you’d never think of. Or maybe she just loves it, and feels warmer towards you for a while.

“Okay. How about if I do nothing?”

There’s no such thing as “nothing.” Being inactive is not nothing. Being silent or withdrawn is most definitely not “nothing.”

As always, since It’s All About Me, whatever you do or don’t do, I will interpret according to my context, my view of the world at that moment. And that’s my reality.

So “nothing” might be angry or hostile or sad or frustrated or… And, as they tell us in Crucial Conversations, I will then proceed to tell myself a story about how you feel, what it means, and how it affects me. All as a result of you saying and doing… nothing.

I’m not suggesting that you either stop doing anything, or that you do something all the time.

I’m saying that it pays to be aware that Everything has consequences.

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Tags: behavior, choices, communication, human interaction, relationships
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Learning to type

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 04 2009

Anne Epstein (twitter: @ajepst) tweeted:

Cory Haines' post http://is.gd/im5f reminds me of learning to type.
You never learn until you stop looking @ the kb

Followed by this:

Stop looking at the keyboard, speed goes *way* down immediately.
Then, you get faster than you were at hunt n' peck...eventually

My response was this:

@ajepst there's some profundity in that beyond just about typing,
 isn't there?

It really got me to thinking about how hard change is, because that’s what this exchange is really about: change.

In fact, my entire series of posts in this category, Coping and Communicating, is largely about change.

Learning to see my own behavior as my own, to see your behavior as being about you and your feelings, and understanding that we only interact at the external, behavioral level – that’s all about changing.

Change isn’t instant. Change takes practice and commitment. Change usually involves some failures and some frustration and exasperation, and strong temptation to give up and go back to what we know that is comfortable.

Like learning touch typing. It’s easier to look at the keyboard and take your time, if that’s what you’re used to. In fact, I’ve seen some hunt-n-peckers who are blazingly fast. But their focus is on the keyboard, not on what they’re typing, if they have to look to find the keys.

I was fortunate, in that I was required to learn touch typing in Junior High School in NYC. I was less fortunate when it comes to personal development. There were no requirements, and I was able to self-delude into believing that there were no consequences.

It took a long time for me to embrace the ideas that I’ve been sharing here, and longer to actually be able to put them into practice.

Just this week, I had a lengthy email exchange with a dear friend. He was very angry, frustrated with me, and hostile. He swore at me, was accusatory, told me how much he’d done for me, and so on. I was able to listen, pay attention to what I saw as being most important (our relationship, and his difficulties, and how I might help), and respond without taking any of it personally. It felt really good.

Like when I realized that I could, in fact, type without looking at the keys (95 wpm, btw ).

Thanks, Anne. Thought-provoking.

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Tags: behavior, change, choices, communication, feelings, human interaction, patience, relationships, responsibility
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Facilitation Antipattern: Professor Moriarty (aka Evil Genius)

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 02 2009

Motto: The end, if it’s what I want, justifies any means.
Belief: I can, and will, utilize any tool or stratagem to achieve my goals. I’m entitled to do so because I’m smarter and cleverer and it’s what I want.
Behavior: Manipulates, uses loaded language, conspires, convinces, distracts, distorts
Characteristics: Insidious, manipulative, conspiratorial, superficially open and honest

This may be one of my least favorite antipatterns, because it’s so destructive, while trying to wear the guise of constructive and collaborative. The Evil Genius is the one who’s whispering to others, who catches others alone during breaks, who speaks against one to another, who proposes antagonistic ideas and tries to make them sound constructive, and so on.

It does go on and on.

It’s frequently hard to spot the Evil Genius, because they mask their insidious manipulation so well.

And their manipulations are destructive, because they violate all the principles of collaboration.

“If I can get this one to side with me against that one, then I’ll weaken the entire group so that I can achieve my ends.”

And they frequently delude themselves into thinking that they are working for the good of the group.

Frankly, I have trouble imagining someone acting in this antipattern as a facilitator. And if they were, I can’t imagine that they’d be open and honest enough to own up to it and change.

This one is hard to deal with, because they are so good at being deceitful and duplicitous.

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Tags: antipattern, behavior, choices, communication, Facilitation, fundamental beliefs, honesty, human interaction, integrity, meetings, roles, self gratification, selfishness
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Faciliation Pattern: Sherlock Holmes

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 02 2009

Motto: With enough information, we can reach a conclusion.
Belief: It’s facts that count, not opinions, bound with reason.
Behavior: Asks questions, engages participants in inquiry, and guides them to reaching conclusions based on facts/information in evidence.
Characteristics: Patient, inquisitive, articulate

So much of what we do in meetings is (or should be) around gathering information and moving to conclusions/solutions/decisions.

When you go to a meeting, which occupies you: Telling? Or asking?

Like Curious George, Sherlock Holmes is interested in gathering information through asking questions. Unlike Curious George, Sherlock Holmes also collects evidence, relates what he’s learned and gathered, and drives toward conclusions.

Sherlock Holmes, the fictional character, was known for his use of deductive reasoning. Using deductive reasoning, we move from the general to the specific. We collect evidence and knowledge, and then use that evidence and knowledge to reach conclusions.

Holmes was also known for employing abductive reasoning, along with deductive reasoning. One description of abductive reasoning is “creating new rules to explain new observations”.

The facilitator’s role is to use her skills in data gathering, abduction, and deduction to guide the participants. As noted repeatedly, it is not the facilitator’s role to offer the conclusions, although that happens from time to time. It is the facilitator’s role to use these skills to guide and teach.

As is no doubt becoming clear, many of these patterns and antipatterns overlap in various ways. That is, they are not mutually exclusive.

Coming up? Dr. Moriarty, The Evil Genius!

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Tags: abduction, behavior, choices, deduction, Facilitation, guide, human interaction, induction, logic, meetings, problem solving, responsibility, roles
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All in my head

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 31 2009

Does this ever happen to you? It usually happens to me when I’m doing something that doesn’t require a lot of my attention – showering, washing dishes, ironing (yes, I do those things ).

I find myself thinking “I did X. I didn’t do Y. Debbie* will probably be upset that I did/didn’t.”

Do you do that?

When I catch myself, I stop, take a breath, and think “When’s the last time Debbie got upset about that? Hmm. Never, maybe? So why are you getting yourself all worked up about it?”

This ties back to the idea that we all live in our own heads, and interact with the world through behaviors – speech, action, results. I define results as the things I observe that can reasonably and rationally be assumed to be the result of someone’s behavior. Like coming home and finding that the bed is made. I didn’t make it, so someone must have. My wife was the only one home, so it was probably her. “Thanks for making the bed, Sweetie!”

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Patterson et al (yes, I’m going to keep referring to this work – I think it’s seminal) talk about the Stories we tell ourselves, and understanding our Paths. In the example above (I did/didn’t whatever), my Path was the thinking that led me from what I did or didn’t do to assuming something about Debbie’s feelings, with no evidence to support that. Assumptions – you know about assumptions. Once I recognize my Path, and I can see my Story: “Debbie will probably be upset.” What happens when I tell myself that story? I feel angry/defensive/upset/hurt. That leads to me stepping out of the shower/kitchen/living room and acting on those feelings towards Debbie.

Poor Debbie is then sitting there wondering what she might have done to lead me to feel that way, or what kind of an ass am I for treating her that way, or…

The thing is, for a moment – just a moment – whatever is in my head seems to be real. What I expect, what I think someone else has/does/will feel, and therefore my emotional, mental, and physical reactions are based on that pseudo-reality that exists only inside of my head.

The challenge, therefore, is to stop and think in STATE terms: what has actually happened. Not what I think will happen or interpret, but what has actually happened. Has Debbie actually gotten upset? Do I have evidence to expect that she will feel upset? If so, I can choose my behavior, informed by what I know of her.

But thus far, it’s all in my head. Reacting based on what is in my head is something I can take control over. Now. Right now.

* Debbie is my amazing wife of 32.5 years. She hasn’t killed me or dumped me yet, so I’m hopeful that is’ going to last.

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Tags: assumptions, behavior, change, choices, communication, crucial conversations, crucial conversations tools, feelings, human interaction, learned behavior, relationships
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Facilitation Pattern: Guide (aka Sherpa)

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 31 2009

Motto: I’m here to hold the lamp and show the way.
Belief: My role is to help you find your way and shine the light where it’s needed.
Behavior: Listens, asks, reframes and rephrases.
Characteristics: Calm, attentive, patient, and offering.

There are many pitfalls (think of the word literally, as well as figuratively) in meeting with and talking with others. In the role of Guide/Sherpa, the facilitator’s responsibilities include steering the group around the pitfalls, helping them to avoid the known dangers and recognize the signs of upcoming trouble.

In many ways, the Guide is also a teacher, as through his behavior, the Guide teaches the group what signs to look for.

Can a participant be a Guide? Of course.

One of the key factors in participatory/collaborative events of all kinds is attitude.

Do you ask “What am I going to get out of this?” or “What am I going to put into this?”

Simple wisdoms:

To give is to receive.
To teach is to learn.
Sometimes asking is telling/teaching.

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Tags: behavior, choices, Facilitation, human interaction, meetings, responsibility, roles
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I’m not responsible

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 27 2009

Just as I’ve said that we can’t put the responsibility for our feelings on others, by the same token, I can’t take responsibility for someone else’s feelings.

There are some interesting implications to that.

For instance, all that time I spend feeling guilty for “hurting someone’s feelings” is time wasted. I’m not saying that I think we shouldn’t be aware of others’ feelings. I’m not promoting insensitivity or callousness or meanness.

What I am promoting is the idea that I am not responsible for your feelings. Your response or reaction to my behavior is just that – yours.

That said, I do believe that we can learn what behaviors lead others to feel certain ways, and choose to behave or not behave in those ways.

And yet, I can’t spend all my time thinking about how my behavior affects you. More importantly, I can’t go back and change the way you feel.

Have you ever known someone who – no matter what you did – always seemed to get upset with you? Always blamed you for what you did, didn’t do, or the way in which you did or didn’t do it?

Sadly, too many of us use our (supposed) feelings as weapons and tools to manipulate others.

You hurt me
You made me angry
I only did it because I knew that you would be upset if I didn’t
Why are you so mean?

Guilt, manipulation, control.

So what happens when I say “I’m not responsible for your feelings. How about if you take responsibility for your feelings, I take responsibility for mine, and we talk about why you’re upset about this?”

Of course, I wouldn’t say it quite so directly. I’d probably do a STATE thing.

The point is, I believe that being a mature human being, being an “adult”, means taking responsibility. I take responsibility for my feelings, for my behavior, and for being committed to my relationships. Relationships include any situation in which I have a connection with another human being, no matter how close or distant.

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Tags: behavior, choices, communication, feelings, human interaction, relationships, responsibility
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What is he thinking?

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 25 2009

In our dealings with others, we frequently spend some effort trying to figure out what the other person is thinking or feeling, what motivates them.

The reality is that we can never know. All of us live inside our own heads.

So my premise is that I can never know what someone else is thinking, feeling, or what motivates them.

If that’s valid, then it means that time spent trying to figure it out is time wasted.

How can I use that time to find/create more value?

How about looking at the other person’s behavior, and wondering what the behavior means in terms of our relationship?

I can ask.

In Crucial Conversations, Patterson et al propose an approach to initiating a conversation they call STATE: State the Facts, Tell Your Story, Ask for Others’ Paths, Talk Tentatively, and Encourage Testing.

State the facts is pretty straightforward, if you can remember it’s about facts – not assumptions, interpretations, motivations, feelings, or anything else. Just the facts – what happened, what behaviors you observed.

Tell your story is about sharing your interpretation of the facts in the context of your relationship. Things like “I felt like that meant you didn’t respect me” or “I took that to mean you were angry with me.”

Followed by Asking – “Is that anything like what was going on?” or “What was going on for you?”

Note that it is critical, in this approach, to avoid putting responsibility for my feelings on the other person. I tell my Story as MY story – what I feel, what I interpreted.

Not “Why are you angry at me?’ or “You hurt my feelings.”

So rather than spending time trying to figure out what you’re feeling or thinking, I share what I know, what I’m feeling, my interpretation, and then I ask you for yours.

A conversation. A dialogue. A sharing, rather than conflict.

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Tags: behavior, change, choices, communication, crucial conversations, feelings, relationships, responsibility
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Getting Closer to the Moment

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 24 2009

Given what I’ve written thus far, perhaps you will understand that I believe that we not only own, but have choices about, our feelings as well as our behavior.

Yes, I believe that I can choose to feel angry or happy or patient or hurt. Getting to that point is a process.

Let’s start in what I think of as the worst case: “You made me angry and I’m still angry!”

Whether it’s angry or hurt or happy or sad or serene or whatever doesn’t matter. What matters is the point that (a) I put the responsibility for my feelings on you and (b) I hold onto both the feeling and the blaming/assigning.

The first change point is way out there where I am holding onto all of this: I begin by acknowledging that my feelings are my own, and that they come from within me. “You didn’t make me angry – I felt angry because your words/actions were the trigger for me to feel angry. Maybe I can choose not to feel angry now. Maybe I can see that my feelings are about me, and your words/behavior are about you, and I can let go of the anger.”

[event]..[anger]...................[still angry]...[change]

The first timeI do this, it’s just hard. I’ve been conditioned by my experience, by the people around me, and even by society to assign responsibility for my feelings – and sometimes my behavior – on others. “You made me…”

The second time I do this, just like with any learned behavior, it’s a bit easier. The next time, even easier, and earlier.

[event]..[anger]........[still angry]...[change]

As I progress, I get closer and closer to the moment when I actually feel angry.

[event]..[anger]..[change]

And as I get closer, I begin to change myself. Not just my behavior, but my feelings.

“That behavior used to make me angry, now I know that I was becoming angry, that my feelings are about me, and I don’t need to feel angry.”

Over time, I find that the anger is a short blip, as I change and realize that I don’t have to feel angry at all.

[event]..[ang..change]

My goal for myself is to evolve to the point that the anger never manifests within me. My goal is that I reach the point where I accept that your behavior is about you, my feelings and behavior are about me, and you don’t have any control over my feelings and behavior.

[event]

What happens then? You do something that I used to get angry about, and I just smile (maybe only on the inside, just in case you’re some kind of violent maniac ) because your behavior really only says something about you, not me.

My good friend Scott Bellware (blog) once asked me “Don’t you ever get flustered, Doc?” That was one of the moments when I realized that this stuff was working for me. I said “I don’t know – I guess you’ll just have to keep trying.”

How about you?

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Tags: anger, behavior, change, choices, communication, feelings, learned behavior, patience, relationships, responsibility
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It’s All About Me

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 22 2009

More fundamental beliefs/premises:

We are all born selfish.
For our first few years, selfishness/self-gratification drive us.
Society teaches us to socialize our selfishness.
At our cores, we remain selfish.

Does that sound negative or cynical? I don’t think of it that way. I think of it as an “is” – just a fact of nature.

Those of us who are unusually unselfish – focusing on the needs and wants of others – do it because it feels right/good. If you don’t want to call that “selfish”, pick the term that works for you. I’m not saying that the unselfish among us (too few, sadly) get specific, immediate gratification out of each unselfish, generous act. Rather I’m saying that the condition of being unselfish gives them pleasure and satisfaction.

Yes, there are some who do unselfish things out of commitment to something larger, obedience to something larger, or otherwise. Those actually support my belief.

So if you accept my premise that we all start out selfish, and are all fundamentall selfish, then what are the implications for human interaction?

It’s all about me.

Why am I writing this? Because I have something to say, I hope that it will influence others, and I will feel good if it does.

How about my individual interactions? What am I listening to when I talk to you? My thoughts.

What is driving my behavior when I talk to you? My beliefs about what you feel, my feelings about what you said or did, my physical condition, my mental condition…

It’s all about me.

In future posts, I’m going to explore this in terms of specific behaviors and beliefs, and how we can change them.

Did I mention that It’s All About Me?

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Tags: anger, behavior, belief, change, choices, communication, feelings, fundamental beliefs, human interaction, learned behavior, relationships, responsibility, satisfaction, self gratification, selfishness
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The Doctor Is In

Posts Tagged ‘choices’

Consequences

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Learning to type

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Facilitation Antipattern: Professor Moriarty (aka Evil Genius)

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Faciliation Pattern: Sherlock Holmes

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All in my head

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Facilitation Pattern: Guide (aka Sherpa)

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I’m not responsible

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What is he thinking?

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Getting Closer to the Moment

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It’s All About Me

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