Posts Tagged ‘crucial conversations’

“Influencer”, a must-read book

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
May 01 2009

I’m not finished with it yet, and yet I can tell you unreservedly that you must read Influencer by the authors of Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations.

While the first two books deal with holding conversations and dealing with issues, this third book addresses the challenges that are near and dear to my heart: how you get people to change their behavior. Thanks to my colleague Jason Yip, I started on this book, and haven’t been able to put it down (well, I do stop for things like work ;) ).

I wanted to share some of this with you, because it relates so nicely to what I’ve been thinking and writing about for a while now.

It turns out the all influence geniuses focus on behaviors. They’re inflexible on this point. They don’t develop an influence strategy until they’ve carefully identified the specific behaviors they want to change. They start by asking: In order to improve our existing situation, what must people actually do?

I love this. It’s not about how they feel or about their motivation. First and foremost, it’s about how they behave.

This is true whether I’m dealing with my family, my co-workers, or a client. Whether I want them to change their behavior, or I just want to understand the situation, I start with their behavior.

One of the vital behaviors consists of the use of praise versus the use of punishment. Top performers reward positive performance far more frequently than their counterparts. Bottom performers quickly become discouraged and mutter things such as, “Didn’t I just teach you that two minutes ago?” The best consistently reinforce even moderately good performance,…

This goes as far back, for me, as Ken Blanchard’s original One-Minute Manager series of books. It ties into how we relate to and teach our children. Every little accomplishment, every move in the right direction, and they get tremendous reinforcement. Then, as the authors say, we start to grow up and everyone gets stingy with their praise as if it’s only to be delivered when we do something exceptional.

If you know anything about training dogs (no, I’m not equating co-workers and family to dogs, just learning where I can), you know that you do the same thing – reward them if they make a move in the right direction, and keep encouraging them until they get it.

It’s so easy to say “well done” or “good job” or even just “thanks”. These things provide reward way out of proportion to their cost.

And it’s so easy to do these things as a facilitator, which many folks don’t get. It’s not about being insincere or ingenuous. It’s about rewarding and encouraging the behaviors we want to develop, and finding ways to reduce or eliminate the behaviors we don’t want.

Read this book. If you are a parent, manager, facilitator, professional, consultant, teacher,… okay, if you’re a human being, read this book.

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Crucial Conversations and Agile

Agile & Lean, Coping and Communicating, Events | Posted by Doc
Mar 06 2009

I’ve proposed a session for Agile2009 on applying the ideas and techniques from Crucial Conversations to agile teams. If you’re interested, and you’re registered on the site or feel like registering, you can read it here.

The first thing that surprised me was the comments from folks that made it clear that they were not familiar with the book or the work. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Not everyone can have read everything that I find to be important.

Still, I’d suggest that anyone who has not read Crucial Conversations or Crucial Confrontations, and is working on/with/around any team, and particularly an agile team, should read one or the other (or both) immediately.

So there is my bias, right out there – these books are transformational and essential.

Second was the question “How does this apply to agile teams, specifically?”

That’s like saying “How does that computer keyboard apply to agile teams, specifically?”

Does a tool that works have to be specific to agile to be included in the conference? I’m a bit stumped by that. While I feel that these works do apply very specifically to agile teams, I’m still stumped. People will be talking about programming tools and process approaches and teaching games, any of which could be applied anywhere. So why is this different?

Interpersonal communication is one of the most critical skills someone on an Agile team can have. Knowing how to say “I felt upset” or “You made a commitment, but didn’t fulfill that commitment” is essential. And really, most people I know don’t know how to talk about this stuff. Without it, I believe that teams will fail. Without these skills, team members bottle up their upsets and frustrations – even happiness, sometimes – and they fester and then the team’s ability to work together breaks.

I’m hoping that this session gets accepted, because I really want to deliver it.  Really.

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Reading

Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 15 2009

Visit Doc List’s Emporium of Wisdom (Amazon store)

Agile Retrospectives by Diana Larsen and Esther Derby
The process information in this book is very good. The exercises, though, are the real value. That’s because once you’ve figured out how to run a retrospective (which might take several experiences), what you’ll refer to over and over is the activities/exercises.

The Art Of War by Sun Tzu
The definitive book on strategy. If you read this, and think about it in the context of work/business, you’ll find that Sun Tzu’s simple statements have broad-reaching implications. I frequently give this book as part of a gift set that includes The Art of War, The Book of Five Rings, and The Unfettered Mind.

The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi
This book is complementary to The Art of War. While The Art of War is about strategy, this book is about tactics. Both books include some of each, but each really focuses on one or the other. Once again, reading for understanding and application outside of the specific context of the book provides great insight. I frequently give this book as part of a gift set that includes The Art of War, The Book of Five Rings, and The Unfettered Mind.

Collaboration Explained: Facilitation Skills for Software Project Leaders (Agile Software Development Series)
While this book is positioned as being focused on Agile teams, I find it to be an excellent resource for meeting/event facilitation in general. The details that Tabaka covers – from planning to meeting to follow-up – are exceptional. I recommend this as a must-read for anyone who ever organizes a meeting or event of any kind.

Crucial Confrontations: Tools for talking about broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior
As with Crucial Conversations (below), read this. These two books address one-on-one conversations and failed commitments in a way that no other work has done, for me.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Read this. Is that direct enough? I find this to be one of the most useful and effective books I’ve read in decades. The combination of the concepts and techniques are applicable throughout all aspects of life: personal, professional, networking, casual, you name it. It has helped me to transform my career and my relationships at home. Read it.

Facilitator’s Guide to Participatory Decision-Making by Sam Kaner
One of the bibles of facilitation, this book explains process and how you function in it as a facilitator. While it includes somewhat more focused and less general information than some of the others, it is firmly on the must-read list.

Influencer: The Power to Change Anything by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Another exceptional work by the authors of Crucial Conversations and Crucial Conversations. This book has me challenging my assumptions, and questioning my acceptance of my own excuses, while helping me to increase my effectiveness as a coach, speaker, facilitator, husband, father, and friend.

Open Space Technology: A User’s Guide by Harrison Own
I love Open Space Technology. I am an Open Space Facilitator, and it’s all from reading this book. While my friend Scott Bellware introduced me to the concept and practice, it’s Harrison Owen who opened my eyes through this and his other works. This is the starting point, if you want to learn about and practice Open Space Technology.

Participatory Workshops: A Sourcebook of 21 Sets of Ideas and Activities by Robert Chambers
Admittedly, I just found this one while cruising for interesting books on the topic. Now it’s one of my favorite resources. The information contained is broad and deep, providing insights and activities for almost any circumstances. This belongs on the bookshelf of anyone who does facilitation, or even who attends meetings.

Presentation Zen: Simple Ideas on Presentation Design and Delivery (Voices That Matter) by Garr Reynolds
One of the most enjoyable books I’ve read on presenting and creating presentations. The concepts are simple, enjoyable, and lead to more comfort in presenting. A must read for anyone who presents.

Project Retrospectives: A Handbook for Team Reviews by Norman Kerth
The original, and still most important, book on the subject of retrospectives.

The Skilled Facilitator: A Comprehensive Resource for Consultants, Facilitators, Managers, Trainers, and Coaches by Roger Schwarz
Another of the definitive works on facilitation, Schwarz has captured decades of experience and study and learning.

Six Thinking Hats by Edward De Bono
An excellent, and classic, work on thinking, group decision making and problem resolution.

Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art by Scott McCloud
Recommended by my friend Chris Matts in the U.K., this book takes a look at what “comics” really are in the world of art and literature, and does it using comic art! This is a big help to me in developing training and other materials.
The Unfettered Mind: Writings from a Zen Master to a Master Swordsman by Takuan Soho
A book that most folks have never heard of, The Unfettered Mind is a set of letters/essays from Takuan Soho – an itinerant monk who was contemporary with Miyamoto Musashi – on swordsmanship. The reflections, and mental and spiritual concepts he explores are remarkable. I have introduced lots of people to this book – several claim it changed their lives and career paths. I frequently give this book as part of a gift set that includes The Art of War, The Book of Five Rings, and The Unfettered Mind.

Weird Ideas That Work: How to Build a Creative Company by Robert I. Sutton
Understanding that what we take for granted as the right way or the accepted way may not be the way to foster creativity and innovation. As always with Sutton, good ideas with lots of stories to show how it works and doesn’t work.

The World Cafe: Shaping Our Futures Through Conversations That Matter by Juanita Brown
A lovely approach to delving into issues. This book is, for me, synergistic with Open Space Technology and a fun way to structure an event or part of an event.



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You don’t know me…

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 14 2009

Okay – the song lyrics won’t get out of my head. I love that Michael Buble is singing all these “oldies”.

You give your hand to me
Then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don’t know me

Relevance? Ah – well – I’ve mentioned that we all live in our own heads. Our understanding of the world, including the people in it, is all internal. So when I say “I know…” what I really mean is “I believe…”

There is no knowing, especially when it comes to others. The only things we can “know” are others’ behavior, because it’s the only thing we can see/experience directly. Even so, our experience/vision is colored and filtered by our own brains and our past experience, our current emotions, and so forth. There are times when my “reality” is entirely generated within my own head.

What does that mean? It means, first of all, that I must question all my assumptions about other people. Especially when I say things like “you were angry” or ” I know what you meant”. After all, I can’t really know these things, now can I?

Rather I can say “I think you were angry” or “I wonder if you were angry” or “Did you mean…?”

I’m back, once again, to the work of Patterson et al in Crucial Conversations. Because what I think I know is really my story – what I tell myself as a result of experiencing your behavior.

Lest you think I’m only talking about personal relationships, let me assure you once again that this applies to all relationships. It applies when I’m in meetings with people I hardly know (”What a jerk!”), when I’m having a conversation with a co-worker (”Why is she always…?”), or having coffee with a close friend (”He must be angry with me.”). All we know of each other is behavior – the observable stuff.

And what we think we know is really our perception of what happened.

I know that there have been many times when my wife and I have been in the same place at the same time, and remembered things differently. Everything from our first meeting (I say her outfit was mustard colored, she says it was greenish) to a conversation we had yesterday.

In police work, it’s ironic that so much weight is placed on eye witnesses, given the evidence that eye witnesses are incredibly unreliable. Consider the implications: all of us are unreliable when it comes to what we believe we saw or heard, and yet we generally remain convinced that we are right – that what we remember is reality, truth.

I’m with Descartes – the only thing I know for sure is that there is some entity doing the thinking (cogito ergo sum – I think, therefore I am). Everything else is subject to reasonable, rational doubt.

The next time you find yourself saying “Oh, I know her, and what she meant was…”, stop, think, and perhaps phrase it as a question or as a guess.

“I wonder if…”

“Do you think…”

“If it were me, I would mean…”

And then, ASK.

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Facililtation Antipattern: Zealot

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 09 2009
ZealotMotto: The force of my convictions makes me right!
Belief: If you understand what I’m saying, then you must agree with me. My conviction is my strength.
Behavior: Speaks with passion and fervor, acting in the sincere belief that she is right and that if she pursues the topic long enough, others must see the rightness of her argument and agree with her.
Characteristics: Passionate, articulate, determined, argumentative, zealous

The Zealot (sometimes known as The Missionary) believes strongly, even passionately, in whatever they believe in. No half-measures for them.

They are willing to argue, fight, persuade, convince, and argue some more to win you over to their point of view. This means that they have the tendency to dominate a discussion, in their passion for what they know to be true/right.

This has the effect of taking over a meeting so that it is entirely focused on the Zealot’s issue. Which suits the Zealot just fine, but does not contribute to the group’s overall success.

It is important to realize that the Zealot is thoroughly well-intentioned, believing that they are serving you/the group by convincing anyone and everyone of the rightness of their view. They have nothing but good intentions, in fact. You might find yourself having the opportunity to ask “the question” (see I feel sad) from Crucial Conversations.

Dealing with this requires the strength to choose when to cut off a conversation (The Facilitation Four-Step), offer to either park it or consider it done, and keep the group moving forward. Challenging, but relatively straightforward.  This also requires the support of the other participants, which is usually forthcoming.

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All in my head

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 31 2009

Does this ever happen to you? It usually happens to me when I’m doing something that doesn’t require a lot of my attention – showering, washing dishes, ironing (yes, I do those things ;) ).

I find myself thinking “I did X. I didn’t do Y. Debbie* will probably be upset that I did/didn’t.”

Do you do that?

When I catch myself, I stop, take a breath, and think “When’s the last time Debbie got upset about that? Hmm. Never, maybe? So why are you getting yourself all worked up about it?”

This ties back to the idea that we all live in our own heads, and interact with the world through behaviors – speech, action, results. I define results as the things I observe that can reasonably and rationally be assumed to be the result of someone’s behavior. Like coming home and finding that the bed is made. I didn’t make it, so someone must have. My wife was the only one home, so it was probably her. “Thanks for making the bed, Sweetie!”

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Patterson et al (yes, I’m going to keep referring to this work – I think it’s seminal) talk about the Stories we tell ourselves, and understanding our Paths. In the example above (I did/didn’t whatever), my Path was the thinking that led me from what I did or didn’t do to assuming something about Debbie’s feelings, with no evidence to support that.  Assumptions – you know about assumptions.  Once I recognize my Path, and I can see my Story: “Debbie will probably be upset.” What happens when I tell myself that story? I feel angry/defensive/upset/hurt. That leads to me stepping out of the shower/kitchen/living room and acting on those feelings towards Debbie.

Poor Debbie is then sitting there wondering what she might have done to lead me to feel that way, or what kind of an ass am I for treating her that way, or…

The thing is, for a moment – just a moment – whatever is in my head seems to be real. What I expect, what I think someone else has/does/will feel, and therefore my emotional, mental, and physical reactions are based on that pseudo-reality that exists only inside of my head.

The challenge, therefore, is to stop and think in STATE terms: what has actually happened. Not what I think will happen or interpret, but what has actually happened. Has Debbie actually gotten upset? Do I have evidence to expect that she will feel upset? If so, I can choose my behavior, informed by what I know of her.

But thus far, it’s all in my head. Reacting based on what is in my head is something I can take control over. Now. Right now.

* Debbie is my amazing wife of 32.5 years. She hasn’t killed me or dumped me yet, so I’m hopeful that is’ going to last. :)

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I feel sad

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 29 2009

Meet Pete

I had coffee with a friend this morning. We’ll call him Pete. When I originally met him, Pete was married and living with his wife and three children. During the course of our relationship, we talked about business (where we had originally connected, although we discovered we lived down the street from each other), life, relationships, the works. Several years ago he and his wife (whom we’ll call Joan) divorced in a very non-amicable fashion.

At one point, while he was still married, I gave Pete copies of three of my favorite books: The Art Of War by Sun Tzu; The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi; and The Unfettered Mind: Writings from a Zen Master to a Master Swordsman by Takuan Soho. I’ll talk about these books and why I think they’re valuable in another post. The importance is that my friend said to me today that the gift of those books changed his life, allowed him to discover a whole new realm, and in some ways contributed to his divorce. Wow!

He finished this by thanking me with tears in his eyes.

That’s not why I feel sad.

The Meeting

I ran into Joan a while back. She was with her new husband, whose name is also “Pete”. Once we figured out how we knew each other, we did all the small talk stuff, and she mentioned that they had five children – her three and his two.  I said I understood what a challenge that was, having four children myself, even if they were all from the same two parents. Just a bit of commiseration and fact.  Little did I know…

Later that same evening, I got an email from Joan. In that email, Joan assaulted and condemned me for having been condescending and judgmental when we spoke. “If we hadn’t been about to go into the event, I would have told you to F*** OFF right there and then. How dare you!” and so on.

Different Universes

I was stunned. She and I had apparently been in different universes. In my universe, I’d had a pleasant meeting with someone I didn’t know well, caught up just a little bit, met her present husband, and went on my way.

In her universe, someone she considers to be a friend of her anti-christ bastard of an ex-husband was rude and judgmental and condescending in totally unacceptable ways.

I read Joan’s email to my wife, who offered to get in her car, go find Joan, and begin torturing her for speaking to me the way she did.

Joan and I exchanged a few emails. I began by being conciliatory and trying to understand how she misunderstood and misjudged me. It did no good – she got meaner and more caustic with each message.  I stopped the exchange after three back-and-forths.

What I feel sad about is that she jumped right to a conclusion about my motivations and feelings that had nothing to do with my reality.

The Question

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Patterson et al suggest asking oneself what I think of as “the question”: “Why would a rational, reasonable, decent human being do that?” Frankly, it took me two readings of the book before the import and power of that question sank in. Think of it as the benefit of the doubt on steroids. Not just “I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt”, but “I wonder what might be going on with that person that, if they are in fact rational and reasonable and decent, would have led them to say/do that. Maybe the story I’m telling myself isn’t what’s going on, and maybe I should think about it more.”

I was teaching a workshop on this subject in Pune, India, and told them about “the question.”

“Here’s an example: you’re sitting there, and I’m walking by, and I slap your cheek. What would you do or say?”

A lovely young Indian woman said “I’d punch you in the face!” The rest of the group, after looking shocked, started laughing.

“Can’t you think of any acceptable reason for me to slap your cheek?”

“No. I’d hit you back.”

So I turned it to the group. “Anyone?”

Silence for about two minutes. I just sat there. Then one fellow timidly raised his hand and said “Maybe there was a wasp on her cheek?”

I felt joy, because he was learning to think. Not react or even respond, but think.

And that was the problem with Joan – she did what she thought of as punching me back. Whereas there was a wasp on her cheek.

Stop and ask “the question” – even if the other person really is an unforgivable ass, it may be enough to let you apply STATE or at least respond thoughtfully.

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What is he thinking?

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 25 2009

In our dealings with others, we frequently spend some effort trying to figure out what the other person is thinking or feeling, what motivates them.

The reality is that we can never know.  All of us live inside our own heads.

So my premise is that I can never know what someone else is thinking, feeling, or what motivates them.

If that’s valid, then it means that time spent trying to figure it out is time wasted.

How can I use that time to find/create more value?

How about looking at the other person’s behavior, and wondering what the behavior means in terms of our relationship?

I can ask.

In Crucial Conversations, Patterson et al propose an approach to initiating a conversation they call STATE: State the Facts, Tell Your Story, Ask for Others’ Paths, Talk Tentatively, and Encourage Testing.

State the facts is pretty straightforward, if you can remember it’s about facts – not assumptions, interpretations, motivations, feelings, or anything else. Just the facts – what happened, what behaviors you observed.

Tell your story is about sharing your interpretation of the facts in the context of your relationship.  Things like “I felt like that meant you didn’t respect me” or “I took that to mean you were angry with me.”

Followed by Asking – “Is that anything like what was going on?” or “What was going on for you?”

Note that it is critical, in this approach, to avoid putting responsibility for my feelings on the other person.  I tell my Story as MY story – what I feel, what I interpreted.

Not “Why are you angry at me?’ or “You hurt my feelings.”

So rather than spending time trying to figure out what you’re feeling or thinking, I share what I know, what I’m feeling, my interpretation, and then I ask you for yours.

A conversation.  A dialogue.  A sharing, rather than conflict.

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It’s All About You, and It’s Not About You

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 20 2009

Okay – let me address this in the first person, so that it’s clear I’m taking ownership of my own feelings and behavior, because that’s what this series of posts will be all about.

Everything I say and do is about me. It doesn’t matter if I talk to you, at you, about you, or through you. It’s still about me.

The other side of that is that what I say and do is not about you, it’s about me.

If I say “that was ridiculous” or “you make me angry” or “you’re just stupid” (not that I would actually say any of those things, of course), what I’m really saying is “I think that was ridiculous, because it doesn’t match with my view of the world.” or “I’m feeling angry about what you just said/did, but I’d rather that you be responsible for my feelings, because I don’t like them.” or “I don’t think that was a very thoughtful/clever/reasonable thing to say, and I know that if I call you stupid you’ll feel bad. Maybe you’ll also think about what you’re going to say before you say it next time.”

Sigh.

The difference between the first and the second is this: in the first, I push everything onto you; in the second, I take ownership. I even take ownership for my own “bad” behavior. I even take ownership for my own feelings.

This is at the heart of what I believe about how I relate to the world I live in and the people in that world.

  • I believe that I own and am responsible for my behavior.
  • I believe that I own and am responsible for my feelings.
  • I believe that I can only know you through your behavior and your words.
  • I believe that the only interaction we have is through our behavior and words.
  • I believe that I cannot know your feelings, your motivation, or your history (except my experience of your history).
  • I believe that while hearing and understanding your motivation/feelings/history enhances my ability to have a good relationship, it is not necessary in order for me to have a healthy and happy relationship with you.

Everything else comes from these beliefs. I state them as beliefs because while they are Real and True for me, I don’t know that they are for you.

In a series of posts, I plan to explore this framework.

I give credit to Larry B, a therapist in Austin whom I saw with my wife at one time, and to the four authors of “Crucial Conversations” and “Crucial Confrontations”. Without them, these thoughts might never have penetrated my barriers to make it into my brain.

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