Two weeks ago, I wrote about finding your voice when the tribe has spoken. Losing a job is a sure a way to feel we’ve lost our tribe, but it’s not the only one. A relocation, a divorce, a huge setback of some sort, or some way of thinking can make us feel apart.

Lots of folks have lots of reason for feeling we’re on the outside.

It’s almost overwhelming. The world can seem to be one huge tribe and we can seem to be the only one who’s not a part. Of course, that’s flawed thinking. Ever met a group of people who could agree on anything huge for very long? The whole world is too big to hold a meeting about who belongs.

via How to Find Your Tribe in One Word – Liz Strauss at Successful Blog – Thinking, writing, business ideas … You’re only a stranger once..

It got me to thinking, once again, about where we live and how we relate to others.

As I’ve said before, we live in our own heads. Everything we think we know about the world around us is really inside us.

And yet, somehow, we form bonds and join tribes. Multiple tribes. For instance, I belong to the husbands tribe and the fathers tribe and the photographers tribe and the specialized tribe of fathers with multiple children. I belong to a technical professionals tribe and a facilitators tribe.

Isn’t it odd that that belongingness is really all in my head?

Admittedly, it’s reinforced by the behavior of the other members of my tribes. They treat me as a fellow tribe member. At least I interpret their behavior that way.

What happens when I no longer feel like a member of a particular tribe? What happens to me when I lose that sense of belonging?

I feel isolated, maybe lost, scared, and I wonder whether I’ll ever belong to a tribe again.

That leads me to think about how important it is for me to treat other members of my tribe.

Like an agile team is a tribe. Like my family is a tribe.

It’s that Golden Rule again.

Here’s the big question: given that I knew my father from the time I was born until he died, why didn’t I know about these letters or about his photo album from the war?

It’s not like he didn’t talk about the war.  Trust me – he did.  My siblings and I heard about it from the time we were born until our father died. So it’s not like he was hiding the war or his experience in it. And he did tell us that his father wrote to him “every day” during the war.

What I don’t recall him ever mentioning was that he’d kept the letters his whole life.

He had this substantial folder of letters from his father which he never shared. At least with me.

If you read my previous post on this subject, you’ll know that I find the letters to be extremely intimate. I’m wondering if that’s it.

My father talked quite a bit about his relationship with his father, but mostly about how bad it had gotten, how manipulative his father had been, and how much his father had damaged him.

Now I’m wondering if there was something about these letters that revealed more than my father wanted to reveal.

This is such a common thing, between humans. I try to control what you think of me and feel about me by what I reveal about myself, and the way in which I reveal it. What you think about me and feel about me is important to me, because it helps me to define myself.

Here’s the flaw in that: “…because it helps me to define myself.”

There’s no doubt that the opinions of others are important to me (yes, I’m talking about the real me at this moment). I love getting recognition and appreciation and they help me to understand my place in the world. And yet, there are far too many times that each of us defines ourselves in terms of what other people think and feel.

I like to start from here: Am I happy with myself? Do I like my own behavior and the way I treat others?

Fundamental tenet, for me: You (whoever you are) are as valuable as every other human being on the planet. I don’t care who you are or what you do, you are born with and deserve that value. You may give up your right to participate in a society, based on societal rules and norms. That doesn’t make you of less value – it may make you less accepted.

So if I have that value, and I’m happy with myself, the question comes down to whether I fit in my society or not.

I debated whether to share this or not. Not because it reveals anything of any concern about my family, but because in many ways it’s such an intimate exchange between these two men. It brings tears to my eye, and opens a window into a relationship of which I knew little.

Just for context, my father died in 2007 at the age of 82. For much of his life, we had a wonderful relationship, and for some parts it wasn’t so good.  Nothing remarkable in that.

What’s remarkable is that I never knew about this collection of letters – there are many of them – that my grandfather, who died when I was 14 and whom I didn’t know at all well, wrote to my father several times each week. My grandfather was around 50 at the time of these letters.

I’m transcribing them all, a bit at a time, and have tried to preserve my grandfather’s punctuation/style.

I hope you enjoy this.

When you finally get out of quarantine, and go to Augusta, on your first holiday, please inquire, which suitable place I may stay during my visit to Augusta and bear in mind, that when I do come, I wish to contact, the different officers I had mentioned & written to you, that are members of my college fraternity.

Perhaps at this point, it may appear to you that I am stressing these relationships as an important factor for you. While you are going through your basic training in the Engineers Battalion – Be assured, that in the half century that I have lived – I have come to the realization that we must learn to graciously and humbly receive the generous offers of our friends, in what capacity they are willing to serve – I think that Shakespeare in one of his plays – said – It is more gracious at times to receive than to give – and if these men, can in some small measure, recognize your fine qualities of character, your gentleness of nature, your warmth of heart – your simplicity of heart and soul – and recognize honestly – and you in turn to receive this recognition – will you not then serve your country in a greater capacity.

Do not, my dear son, for one moment underestimate the sweetness of human touch – the inestimable value of interesting friendships – the beauty of moral principles – all these factors go to make for decency in living.

If my words will in some small measures, reveal to you, my love for you – and in that love convey hope for you with every new day – I will be satisfied – I will be at peace with you.

Your Dad.