Posts Tagged ‘fundamental beliefs’

Facililtation Antipattern: Zealot

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 09 2009
ZealotMotto: The force of my convictions makes me right!
: If you understand what I’m saying, then you must agree with me. My conviction is my strength.
: Speaks with passion and fervor, acting in the sincere belief that she is right and that if she pursues the topic long enough, others must see the rightness of her argument and agree with her.
Characteristics: Passionate, articulate, determined, argumentative, zealous

The Zealot (sometimes known as The Missionary) believes strongly, even passionately, in whatever they believe in. No half-measures for them.

They are willing to argue, fight, persuade, convince, and argue some more to win you over to their point of view. This means that they have the tendency to dominate a discussion, in their passion for what they know to be true/right.

This has the effect of taking over a meeting so that it is entirely focused on the Zealot’s issue. Which suits the Zealot just fine, but does not contribute to the group’s overall success.

It is important to realize that the Zealot is thoroughly well-intentioned, believing that they are serving you/the group by convincing anyone and everyone of the rightness of their view. They have nothing but good intentions, in fact. You might find yourself having the opportunity to ask “the question” (see I feel sad) from Crucial Conversations.

Dealing with this requires the strength to choose when to cut off a conversation (The Facilitation Four-Step), offer to either park it or consider it done, and keep the group moving forward. Challenging, but relatively straightforward.  This also requires the support of the other participants, which is usually forthcoming.

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Facilitation Antipattern: Professor Moriarty (aka Evil Genius)

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 02 2009
professor_moriartyMotto: The end, if it’s what I want, justifies any means.
: I can, and will, utilize any tool or stratagem to achieve my goals. I’m entitled to do so because I’m smarter and cleverer and it’s what I want.
: Manipulates, uses loaded language, conspires, convinces, distracts, distorts
Characteristics: Insidious, manipulative, conspiratorial, superficially open and honest

This may be one of my least favorite antipatterns, because it’s so destructive, while trying to wear the guise of constructive and collaborative. The Evil Genius is the one who’s whispering to others, who catches others alone during breaks, who speaks against one to another, who proposes antagonistic ideas and tries to make them sound constructive, and so on.

It does go on and on.

It’s frequently hard to spot the Evil Genius, because they mask their insidious manipulation so well.

And their manipulations are destructive, because they violate all the principles of collaboration.

“If I can get this one to side with me against that one, then I’ll weaken the entire group so that I can achieve my ends.”

And they frequently delude themselves into thinking that they are working for the good of the group.

Frankly, I have trouble imagining someone acting in this as a facilitator. And if they were, I can’t imagine that they’d be open and honest enough to own up to it and .

This one is hard to deal with, because they are so good at being deceitful and duplicitous.

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It’s All About Me

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 22 2009

More /premises:

  • We are all born selfish.
  • For our first few years, /self-gratification drive us.
  • Society teaches us to socialize our selfishness.
  • At our cores, we remain selfish.

Does that sound negative or cynical? I don’t think of it that way. I think of it as an “is” – just a fact of nature.

Those of us who are unusually unselfish – focusing on the needs and wants of others – do it because it feels right/good. If you don’t want to call that “selfish”, pick the term that works for you. I’m not saying that the unselfish among us (too few, sadly) get specific, immediate gratification out of each unselfish, generous act. Rather I’m saying that the condition of being unselfish gives them pleasure and .

Yes, there are some who do unselfish things out of commitment to something larger, obedience to something larger, or otherwise. Those actually support my .

So if you accept my premise that we all start out selfish, and are all fundamentall selfish, then what are the implications for ?

It’s all about me.

Why am I writing this? Because I have something to say, I hope that it will influence others, and I will feel good if it does.

How about my individual interactions? What am I listening to when I talk to you? My thoughts.

What is driving my when I talk to you? My beliefs about what you feel, my about what you said or did, my physical condition, my mental condition…

It’s all about me.

In future posts, I’m going to explore this in terms of specific behaviors and beliefs, and how we can them.

Did I mention that It’s All About Me? ;-)

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It’s All About You, and It’s Not About You

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 20 2009

Okay – let me address this in the first person, so that it’s clear I’m taking ownership of my own and , because that’s what this series of posts will be all about.

Everything I say and do is about me. It doesn’t matter if I talk to you, at you, about you, or through you. It’s still about me.

The other side of that is that what I say and do is not about you, it’s about me.

If I say “that was ridiculous” or “you make me angry” or “you’re just stupid” (not that I would actually say any of those things, of course), what I’m really saying is “I think that was ridiculous, because it doesn’t match with my view of the world.” or “I’m feeling angry about what you just said/did, but I’d rather that you be responsible for my feelings, because I don’t like them.” or “I don’t think that was a very thoughtful/clever/reasonable thing to say, and I know that if I call you stupid you’ll feel bad. Maybe you’ll also think about what you’re going to say before you say it next time.”

Sigh.

The difference between the first and the second is this: in the first, I push everything onto you; in the second, I take ownership. I even take ownership for my own “bad” behavior. I even take ownership for my own feelings.

This is at the heart of what I believe about how I relate to the world I live in and the people in that world.

  • I believe that I own and am responsible for my behavior.
  • I believe that I own and am responsible for my feelings.
  • I believe that I can only know you through your behavior and your words.
  • I believe that the only interaction we have is through our behavior and words.
  • I believe that I cannot know your feelings, your , or your history (except my experience of your history).
  • I believe that while hearing and understanding your motivation/feelings/history enhances my ability to have a good relationship, it is not necessary in order for me to have a healthy and happy relationship with you.

Everything else comes from these beliefs. I state them as beliefs because while they are Real and True for me, I don’t know that they are for you.

In a series of posts, I plan to explore this framework.

I give credit to Larry B, a therapist in Austin whom I saw with my wife at one time, and to the four authors of “” and “Crucial Confrontations”. Without them, these thoughts might never have penetrated my barriers to make it into my brain.

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