Learned Behavior | The Doctor Is In

Posts Tagged ‘learned behavior’

I’m sorry

Musings | Posted by Doc

Aug 02 2009

I’m all in favor of saying “I’m sorry.” Not necessarily as an admission of fault or wrongdoing, of course. But because sometimes it’s the right thing to say.

“I had a really rotten day.” “I’m sorry.”

And then there are times that it’s just not the appropriate thing to say.

Mary and Bill were riding down in the elevator, on their way out to the store. They were chatting as usual, talking about this and that.

The elevator reached the ground floor. When the door opened, there was another couple standing right in front of the door, effectively blocking the way.

As Bill and Mary started to exit the elevator, Mary turned sideways to edge out, and said “I’m sorry.”

Bill’s inclination had been to say “excuse me” until Mary spoke up, and then he was stumped into silence.

What did Mary have to be sorry about? There was no fault, and nothing to be sympathetic to. Rather, the people standing in front of the elevator should have said “I’m sorry” or at least “excuse me” and moved aside.

So why would Mary say “I’m sorry”?

My thought is that Mary has self-image issues. She behaves as though she somehow believes that other people are worth more than she is or more important than she is. I could be wrong, but I’ve seen this kind of behavior enough times to have a clue.

While I believe strongly in treating people with respect, I don’t believe in behaving with automatic subservience or submission.

You’ve gotta earn those, and you’d better have a BIG hammer!

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, communication, human interaction, learned behavior, self image
10 Comments »

“Influencer”, a must-read book

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

May 01 2009

I’m not finished with it yet, and yet I can tell you unreservedly that you must read Influencer by the authors of Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations.

While the first two books deal with holding conversations and dealing with issues, this third book addresses the challenges that are near and dear to my heart: how you get people to change their behavior. Thanks to my colleague Jason Yip, I started on this book, and haven’t been able to put it down (well, I do stop for things like work ).

I wanted to share some of this with you, because it relates so nicely to what I’ve been thinking and writing about for a while now.

It turns out the all influence geniuses focus on behaviors. They’re inflexible on this point. They don’t develop an influence strategy until they’ve carefully identified the specific behaviors they want to change. They start by asking: In order to improve our existing situation, what must people actually do?

I love this. It’s not about how they feel or about their motivation. First and foremost, it’s about how they behave.

This is true whether I’m dealing with my family, my co-workers, or a client. Whether I want them to change their behavior, or I just want to understand the situation, I start with their behavior.

One of the vital behaviors consists of the use of praise versus the use of punishment. Top performers reward positive performance far more frequently than their counterparts. Bottom performers quickly become discouraged and mutter things such as, “Didn’t I just teach you that two minutes ago?” The best consistently reinforce even moderately good performance,…

This goes as far back, for me, as Ken Blanchard’s original One-Minute Manager series of books. It ties into how we relate to and teach our children. Every little accomplishment, every move in the right direction, and they get tremendous reinforcement. Then, as the authors say, we start to grow up and everyone gets stingy with their praise as if it’s only to be delivered when we do something exceptional.

If you know anything about training dogs (no, I’m not equating co-workers and family to dogs, just learning where I can), you know that you do the same thing – reward them if they make a move in the right direction, and keep encouraging them until they get it.

It’s so easy to say “well done” or “good job” or even just “thanks”. These things provide reward way out of proportion to their cost.

And it’s so easy to do these things as a facilitator, which many folks don’t get. It’s not about being insincere or ingenuous. It’s about rewarding and encouraging the behaviors we want to develop, and finding ways to reduce or eliminate the behaviors we don’t want.

Read this book. If you are a parent, manager, facilitator, professional, consultant, teacher,… okay, if you’re a human being, read this book.

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, change, crucial conversations, Facilitation, facilitator, human interaction, learned behavior, learning
3 Comments »

Happily unhappy

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Apr 23 2009

My first real job out of college, I worked at a small car insurance company in San Francisco. The company had started many years earlier as a small, family-owned insurance company before being acquired by Transamerica. When I joined the company, it provided bank-mandated add-on car insurance. That means that if you applied for a loan and couldn’t get insurance on your own for any reason, this over-priced insurance got added into your loan.

It was a job. Not a great job, and not a terrible job. Just a job. I did what I do, and tried to improve things a little bit along the way – processes, procedures, the forms we used (had to be designed to work well in a typewriter – remember those?), and just being friendly. Although back then I was still in my arrogant, the world is here to worship me phase.

I worked in the Claims Department. Of the people I worked with, a number of them had been there for 35 years or more. They’d started right out of high school, and never left. One of the vice presidents – not a particularly popular or likeable one – had worked his way up from the mail room over the course of decades.

So there I was, working in my first full time job after leaving college.

And I realized that many of these people hated what they did every day. They woke up and hated the thought of going to work. They didn’t like the customers they dealt with. They didn’t like the work they did. They felt underappreciated, underpaid, and undervalued.

And they showed up for work every day, and griped about it every day.

The not-very-likeable vice president showed up every day, and did his best to make everyone else miserable.

I struggled then, and struggle now, with the idea that anyone could stay at a job that makes them that unhappy for 35 days, much less 35 years. Thirty-five years. Between the ones who griped, and the vice president who made others unhappy, it was clear that each of them was finding ways to deal with their unhappiness.

So what was the reason? Why did Clara and Norma stay there that long, being that unhappy, and talking about their unhappiness every day? Why do people all over the US (I can’t speak for other countries) do that same thing?

Here’s my hypothesis: they weren’t really as unhappy as they said. In dealing with what they viewed as a hostile and unappreciative world, they found camaraderie and consolation in knowing that there are others who feel the same way. I think that somehow, strange as it is, being unhappy made them happy.

I find myself doing this kind of thing from time to time – griping, because griping allows me to share, collaborate, dilute my discontent, and otherwise get a sense of my place in the universe. And it’s important to me to have that sense. I talk about context a lot, and the griping/discontent/unhappiness helps me to understand what that context is.

We’re strange creatures, we humans.

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, learned behavior
1 Comment »

I am SO impatient!

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Apr 14 2009

As much as I talk about leading people to choose to change – influencing them – I have to admit that my natural tendency is toward impatience. After all, I got it, so why don’t you? What’s taking so long? C’mon already!

Once I understand something or internalize something or in some other way get it, I forget about my own AHA! moment when I first got it.

What’s important for me to remember, therefore, is that everyone learns at their own pace, and their AHA! moments will come when they come, not when I want them to come.

When I was studying Shotokan Karate, I worked on a particular kata (form) for several months. I reached brown belt, and was so proud of myself. I was doing that same kata one day, and started seeing all sorts of flaws in it. I went to my instructor and told him how confusing this was, because it seemed like the flaws appeared suddenly. He said “the higher the mountain, the farther you can see.”

I think there’s a corollary: the higher the mountain, the more the details are lost in the mist of distance. I think this sometimes applies to the lessons I’ve learned and internalized (the “unconscious competence” level of learning).

As a parent, I’ve certainly seen the situation many hundreds of times. My wife or I will tell one of the kids the same thing over and over and over and… one day, all of a sudden, it seems that they get it.

Why?

No doubt there’s a combination of a critical mass of receptions, plus some catalyzing event or thought that turns it from more yadda-yadda noise into a message that is important to them.

This means that no matter how important or seemingly obvious the message or lesson, I have to learn to be patient, be determined, be consistent, and wait until the other person is ready.

In my work, I run into this frequently as well. “Oh, now I get what you’ve been telling me all this time, Doc!”

It’s not that I said anything different, or said it differently. It’s just reaching that moment, that point in time at which it becomes personally relevant and meaningful for them.

And that requires patience.

Sigh.

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, learned behavior, learning, teaching
2 Comments »

Remembering differently…

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Mar 29 2009

…doesn’t imply anything about right or wrong.

How many times have you gotten into the ping-pong game of “Who remembers it right?”

“I know I remember it right because…”

“But I know I remember it right because…”

Unless you have a time machine, and can go back together and record whatever event you’re talking about, it becomes a pointless discussion.

What is really important? That is, what am I trying to prove beyond that I remember something right?

Not to forget that there’s the solitaire version of the game. It goes like this:

“I was on my way to work on Tuesday… no, wait, it was Wednesday… no, Tuesday… maybe it was Monday…”

Why do we care? Why is it important that – in telling my story – I get the day of the week right?

Perhaps because I fear that (a) you will catch me in an incorrect statement and, therefore, (b) that will generally downgrade my credibility, and (c) I will have less value in the world.

Am I really being tested and measured and evaluated all the time?

Well, to a certain extent, yes I am.

Okay – and does it matter?

Ah! Hmm… No, I don’t think it does.

Well, sure, it matters that people I live with and work with and deal with believe that I’m an honest person.

But in most cases, these trivialities only get in the way. When I tell you my heart attack story, do you care whether I had my heart attack on a Sunday or a Monday or a Tuesday? Nope. And yet I’m likely to get caught up in getting it right, because I believe that in our culture getting it right is highly valued.

I believe that worrying about getting the minutiae right frequently gets in the way of communicating the larger, more important stuff.

Granted that if I get most of the details wrong, my listener may deprecate everything else I have to say.

So let’s get back to the original question.

I think that when you get into an argument/disagreement about who remembers what correctly, you should ask yourself “what’s really important here?”

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, communication, honesty, integrity, interpersonal, learned behavior, relationships
2 Comments »

Lessons from a Heart Attack

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Mar 10 2009

Some of you may have noticed that I added a page about the heart attack I had in 1996. It was a powerful experience.

The reason I put up that story, is that there were some important and lasting lessons for me, from that experience. My hope is that I might spare you the heart attack and get right to the lessons.

Here’s the thing…

As I lay on the gurney in the emergency room, I thought about things.

While I was waiting for Debbie to arrive, I thought about Debbie and our relationship and our communication.

When Debbie showed up, I thought about our life together and our four children.

As they were performing the angiogram, I thought about my employees, colleagues, and students (I was teaching programming at the community college and karate at my instructor’s dojo, at the time).

I came away with three simple lessons. Simple, profoundly simple. And life-changing, at least for me.

The way I remember them is this:

Don’t wait until tomorrow to say “I’m sorry” – apologies are best delivered right away.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to say “I love you” – there’s never a wrong time to express your feelings, other than “later.”

Don’t wait until tomorrow to say “Thank you” – appreciation is best delivered warm.

You may never face death or debilitation. And I hope you don’t.

That doesn’t matter. The lessons are the same.

If you know me, you know that I’m very open about my feelings, quick to express appreciation, and quick to apologize (regardless of “fault” or “blame”).

Because I found a way to live that makes sense for me in every context.

Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean you’re wrong, or that you’ve done something wrong. It does acknowledge that there’s something wrong. That something might be that someone is unhappy, or that things didn’t work out the way you or someone else wanted, or any of a number of things. The thing is, saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t cost anything.

Saying “I love you” or “I like you” or “I’m glad you’re a part of my life” also doesn’t cost anything. Too many people say “he knows how I feel” or “I shouldn’t have to say anything – she can tell from the way I act” or… Well, let’s get real. We don’t know. We like to hear it. I feel good when someone tells me how they feel about me, even if it’s negative, because I can stop wondering and enjoy the situation as it is.

And gratitude… there is no gift so precious, at so little cost, as expressing gratitude or appreciation. It doesn’t take a long-winded speech. It just takes two words – “thank you.”

So let me close in the best way I know how…

I’m sorry if you don’t find this useful (even though I hope you do).

I’m glad that you’re a part of my life (even if I don’t know you).

Thank you for sharing my thoughts, for your comments, and for enriching the world I live in.

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, learned behavior, relationships
3 Comments »

Letting go

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 15 2009

Watching the movie “Taken”, I was struck by the tenaciousness of Liam Neeson’s character. I was also struck by the character’s attitude, which was both pesonal (”you/they took my DAUGHTER”) and impersonal.

It got me to thinking about carrying grudges, and the way we label and categorize each other. Okay – I don’t know for sure that you do it too, I just know that I’ve done it and that your behavior leads me to think you do it too.

You always…

Do you find yourself saying that to someone you know? Do you find yourself behaving in a way that is based on what you expect them to do, rather than what they’re doing?

Perhaps you’ve labeled them. They’re afraid, insecure, rude, lax, mean, silly, absurd, too friendly, not friendly enough, too outgoing, too inhibited, careless, thoughtless, inattentive, self-absorbed,…

How will you know when they change?

If you hold onto the image you hold firmly in mind, you won’t. Not only that, you will inhibit their ability to change.

If you won’t give me a chance, then who will?

I’ve certainly heard words like that – from my wife, and from my children. Even recently, as I’m on my endless journey towards evolution and perfection.

If I keep an image, an identity, a label in my mind as though that’s who you are, then I may be unable to recognize that you are no longer that person.

Forgiving is not forgetting

I’ve heard too many people say “I can’t forgive that.” I disagree. You can, you just don’t choose to. You’re holding onto the pain, the anger, the hurt for some reason that seems to make sense. Why? What’s the value in hanging onto it.

Sure – I can learn from sticking my hand in a fire, and yet realize that the fire doesn’t care about me at all. Which is not to say that someone who does something that leads to you feeling hurt doesn’t care about you. But if you believe, as I do, that their behavior is about them, then it’s possible to forgive, to let go, without letting go of the lesson. You can learn how someone has behaved and base a certain – hmm – caution on that.

But it’s not necessarily who they are.

Let go, let…

In the twelve step programs for families and friends (Al-Anon, Co-Anon, Nar-Anon), they teach “Let go, let God”.

Since I don’t know whether there is or is not a sublime, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient entity, here’s what it means to me:

It’s done. It’s not within the scope of my control. Perhaps I’ll be happier, or at least have more peace, if I just let it go and worry about me.

I’m responsible for me, for my behavior. Beyond that, I do the best I can for my family. Outside of that?

You’re up to you.

Let it go.

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, change, communication, feelings, human interaction, learned behavior, relationships, self deception, self image
No Comments »

What’s in it for me?

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 12 2009

I’m going back to my premise that we’re all born selfish, grow up selfish, and die selfish. The difference between those whom society labels as selfish and those it doesn’t is the degree to which they have not learned to socialize their selfishness.

To phrase it differently, everything I do is about me, preferably about making me feel good (about myself, of course). If you want the context of this, please go back and read It’s All About Me.

What led to this particular post, today, was a conversation I had with an old friend of mine. She’s working as the assistant manager at a toy store, and had a question/challenge regarding one of the staff. Here’s the dialogue:

Friend: hey, mr facilitator - I could use your advice with a co-worker's
        communication

Me    : mmhmm

Friend: ... has been with us for ages. she got pretty pissed when I was
        made asst mgr instead of her, but she and I are working together
        ok. she gets phone calls (anyone can answer the phone) from the
        office, asking her/us to do something. she'll do the thing, but
        never tells anyone abt the msg/event, which causes problems.
        I've asked her to let us know when she gets msgs like that, she
        says she will, but doesn't. any ideas on how to change her
        behavior?
Friend: not sure if it's a passive/agressive thing, or what.

Me    : hmm...
Me    : Make it be to her advantage to change

Friend: hmm, to her advantage.....

Me    : so far, it's "tell me so I'll know"
Me    : how about "tell me so I can make sure you get recognition for
        all you do"?

Friend: aha!

Me    : I'd guess she has no incentive to give you what you want if
        she doesn't see the value for her
Me    : so appeal to her selfishness (you know my position on that)
Me    : and then ask her how she'd like that to work

Friend: you're absolutely right. I hadn't seen that there was no
        "her" in it
Friend: hunh!
Friend: she doesn't realize how hard we're working to keep her job
        - everything she does, and it is much, is almost invisible

And there you have it. Dealing with the reality that each of us is looking for what’s in it for us.

Yes, I said “reality”, because that’s what I believe.

I don’t think badly of the other woman that my friend is dealing with. She’s normal – she’s looking for motivation that makes sense within her world view.

Few of us do things altruistically. Even when we’re doing a good job for the benefit of the organization we work for, it’s about (a) keeping our job, and (b) enjoying the feeling of belonging to and contributing to something bigger than ourselves.

I’ll say it again – I don’t see this as a negative or bad thing. Understanding this helps me to more effectively deal with the people in my world.

If you doubt me, ask yourself the question “Why am I doing this?” and use the Five Whys technique to help you get closer to the core.

Tweet This Post

Tags: behavior, belief, communication, learned behavior, responsibility, self gratification, self image, selfishness
No Comments »

All in my head

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Jan 31 2009

Does this ever happen to you? It usually happens to me when I’m doing something that doesn’t require a lot of my attention – showering, washing dishes, ironing (yes, I do those things ).

I find myself thinking “I did X. I didn’t do Y. Debbie* will probably be upset that I did/didn’t.”

Do you do that?

When I catch myself, I stop, take a breath, and think “When’s the last time Debbie got upset about that? Hmm. Never, maybe? So why are you getting yourself all worked up about it?”

This ties back to the idea that we all live in our own heads, and interact with the world through behaviors – speech, action, results. I define results as the things I observe that can reasonably and rationally be assumed to be the result of someone’s behavior. Like coming home and finding that the bed is made. I didn’t make it, so someone must have. My wife was the only one home, so it was probably her. “Thanks for making the bed, Sweetie!”

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Patterson et al (yes, I’m going to keep referring to this work – I think it’s seminal) talk about the Stories we tell ourselves, and understanding our Paths. In the example above (I did/didn’t whatever), my Path was the thinking that led me from what I did or didn’t do to assuming something about Debbie’s feelings, with no evidence to support that. Assumptions – you know about assumptions. Once I recognize my Path, and I can see my Story: “Debbie will probably be upset.” What happens when I tell myself that story? I feel angry/defensive/upset/hurt. That leads to me stepping out of the shower/kitchen/living room and acting on those feelings towards Debbie.

Poor Debbie is then sitting there wondering what she might have done to lead me to feel that way, or what kind of an ass am I for treating her that way, or…

The thing is, for a moment – just a moment – whatever is in my head seems to be real. What I expect, what I think someone else has/does/will feel, and therefore my emotional, mental, and physical reactions are based on that pseudo-reality that exists only inside of my head.

The challenge, therefore, is to stop and think in STATE terms: what has actually happened. Not what I think will happen or interpret, but what has actually happened. Has Debbie actually gotten upset? Do I have evidence to expect that she will feel upset? If so, I can choose my behavior, informed by what I know of her.

But thus far, it’s all in my head. Reacting based on what is in my head is something I can take control over. Now. Right now.

* Debbie is my amazing wife of 32.5 years. She hasn’t killed me or dumped me yet, so I’m hopeful that is’ going to last.

Tweet This Post

Tags: assumptions, behavior, change, choices, communication, crucial conversations, crucial conversations tools, feelings, human interaction, learned behavior, relationships
7 Comments »

Facilitation Antipattern: Superhero

Facilitation | Posted by Doc

Jan 30 2009

Motto: I’m here to rescue you.
Belief: I bring special skills and knowledge, and you must want me to use them.
Behavior: Leaps into the breach to answer questions, solve problems, soothe injured feelings, and otherwise care for the participants.
Characteristics: Gentle but firm, frequently offering answers/solutions rather than asking questions.

As a facilitator, we’re not present to answer questions or solve problems. And yet, especially if we have domain expertise, it’s tempting to leap into the breach. After all, not using our expertise is depriving the participants of value, right?

Nope.

As hard as it is, I tell everyone I train in facilitation that they must be prepared to leave their biases, opinions, and tendency toward rescuing people and situations outside.

When you rescue people or a situation, others don’t learn – well, they learn to depend on you to do it for them. It’s like the toddlers who always whine and reach up to be carried, because they’ve always been carried, so they always expect to be carried, so they don’t learn to get around well on their own.

As with most of the Patterns & Antipatterns I’ll be talking about, this applies equally to the facilitator and the participants. As a member of the group, if you keep providing solutions, others will start to pull back and let you do it all. While you might feel good as the superhero, you’re disempowering the team, and teaching them that it’s okay not to participate/contribute.

Don’t be a Superhero.

Tweet This Post

Tags: antipattern, communication, Facilitation, human interaction, learned behavior, meetings, responsibility, roles, self gratification
No Comments »

The Doctor Is In

Posts Tagged ‘learned behavior’

I’m sorry

Related posts

“Influencer”, a must-read book

Related posts

Happily unhappy

Related posts

I am SO impatient!

Related posts

Remembering differently…

Related posts

Lessons from a Heart Attack

Related posts

Letting go

You always…

If you won’t give me a chance, then who will?

Forgiving is not forgetting

Let go, let…

Related posts

What’s in it for me?

Related posts

All in my head

Related posts

Facilitation Antipattern: Superhero

Related posts

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Blogroll

Doc on the Web

Open Space

Photography

Categories

My Photos/Images

Follow My Travel on Tripit

Follow My Travel on Doppler

Important Stuff

Posts Tagged ‘learned behavior’

Related posts

Related posts

Related posts

Related posts

Related posts

Related posts

You always…

If you won’t give me a chance, then who will?

Forgiving is not forgetting

Let go, let…

Related posts

Related posts

Related posts

Related posts

Places to Find Me

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Blogroll

Doc on the Web

Open Space

Photography

Categories

My Photos/Images

Follow My Travel on Tripit

Follow My Travel on Doppler

Important Stuff