In any book on facilitation, meetings, or effective communication, you’ll encounter the concept of safety.
I think about safety a lot, because I think so many of us take it for granted, or think it’s safe when it’s not, or have different understandings of safe.
Here’s an example:
Marge: I think we should go to Flerbit’s for dinner.
Frank: That’s a dumb idea! We just went to Flerbit’s last week. Let’s go to Smagger’s instead.
Marge: Whatever you like, Frank.
Frank thinks it’s safe, because he feels comfortable and free to speak his mind. And, after all, it must be safe because Marge agreed with him, didn’t she?
Marge feels like there’s just no point in speaking at all, because Frank always points out her shortcomings, makes her feel stupid, and always gets his own way.
Does Marge feel safe?
Let’s try another example:
Dunstan: I just finished writing the tests for the code we’re working on. They all passed.
Ben: Of course they did. You always forget to deal with <situation>.
Dunstan: I don’t forget about it, I just ignore it because you always change the code.
Ben: Oh, so it’s my fault?
Dunstan: Well, if you wouldn’t say it’s done before it’s done…
Does either of these guys really feel safe?
Let’s get back to the definition of safe. Here’s my definition:
A safe situation is one in which all parties have confidence that they can express themselves and share their ideas and opinions without being attacked, assaulted, insulted, belittled, or otherwise mistreated just for speaking up.
A safe situation is one in which I can make a mistake, misstatement, or incorrect assumption, and still have people treat me with respect.
A safe situation is one in which I can share, have a dialogue, and feel like a whole, valuable human being at the end.
A safe situation allows for criticism, challenge, discussion, different ideas, exchanges of views, and allows all parties equal chance to hear and be heard.
Yes, all of that.
Let’s look at Frank and Marge. Marge made a suggestion. Frank belittled her by referring to it as dumb. Frank would tell you that he didn’t call Marge dumb, he called Marge’s suggestion dumb. Frank doesn’t seem to grasp that Marge has an attachment to her ideas, and that calling her idea dumb is tantamount to calling her dumb. Frank probably doesn’t understand that being abrupt and judging can lead his listener to feel hurt or angry.
Now for Ben and Dunstan.
Both of these guys treat the other with disrespect. They get into an attack/counterattack mode. Ben talks to Dunstan disrespectfully, so Dunstan counterattacks. Why? Because it comes naturally. If I am caught up in how you make me feel, then if I feel bad I also feel justified in giving as good as I got. If I’m focused on the contention, then I’m not focused how well we’re communicating, and I’m less likely to share/contribute/participate.
Let’s look at alternate versions of these exchanges:
Marge: I think we should go to Flerbit’s for dinner.
Frank: I like Flerbit’s too, and we just went to Flerbit’s last week. Let’s go to Smagger’s instead.
Marge: Okay – that’s a good idea. I’m up for that, Frank.
Small changes make big differences. Staying away from judging, emotionally loaded words like “dumb” allows the exchange to be positive and friendly instead of hostile and frustrating.
Dunstan: I just finished writing the tests for the code we’re working on. They all passed.
Ben: That’s great, Dunstan. How about <situation>? I know we’ve chatted about it.
Dunstan: I’ve had to rework the tests a couple of times in the past. I’d rather wait until you tell me that it’s really done. Is that okay?
Ben: Ah. Hmm. Yes, I think that’s reasonable. So maybe next time you could tell me “all of the tests, except the ones for <situation>, have passed”? That way I’ll know and we won’t have any misunderstanding. Would that work?
Dunstan: Good idea. Sorry I didn’t say it that way this time.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you behave with mutual respect, engage in dialogue as opposed to attack and counterattack, and commit to mutual goals and understanding.
Here are three questions for you:
- What’s your definition of safe for yourself?
- What does it take for you to feel safe?
- What do you do to make it safe for others?
