Posts Tagged ‘respect’

Is that how you’d treat your mother?

Musings | Posted by Doc
Oct 01 2011

I’ve been using a car in Austin between my home and the airport for the past couple of years, in order to avoid leaving my car at the airport a lot. The relationship started out a bit rocky, but then stabilized and has been a very positive experience for quite a while. Until just recently.

Part of the background includes that the owner, a lovely fellow who lives nearby and has a wife and children and with whom I’ve developed a nice relationship, is not always terribly well organized. This past summer, he spent about six weeks out of the country, and had a relatively recently hired driver take care of the for him while he was gone. The ran beautifully. In fact, it ran better! The driver, a woman who has been a driver for a while, would send me nice confirmations of each reservation (they have no automated or online system), and would send me a nice reminder confirmation the day before each trip. On the way to the airport, she’d confirm the return trip.

I’d asked the owner to send me invoices/receipts for each trip, but still had to contact him to request one each time. I think this should be automatic, but because I like him so much, I was willing to put up with the minor inconvenience to asking each time.

Each time I arrived in Austin, a driver would be waiting for me in the airport (the nice thing about a small airport), ready to help me with my bags and lead me to the car.

Until the last time. I arrived and there was no driver. I went to wait for my bag to come out, and still no driver. I sent a text message: “At airport. Where is driver?”

The response I received was something along the lines of “Sorry Steven. One car in shop, the other in Dallas. Please take a taxi.”

Now I’m fine with the fact that stuff happens that is outside of our control. I’m fine with having to take a taxi once in a while. What I’m not fine with is that I had to reach out to him to ask. As a , my position is that he should have reached out to me as soon as he knew they couldn’t pick me up. I’d have been and we would have moved on.

I’m not feeling understanding. I wrote him a lovely letter saying that I felt this was unacceptable, and that I would not be using his service any longer. He wrote back and said his child had been running a fever, he’d had car problems, and he’d expected that if anyone would understand, I would. And I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is bad business to leave a customer standing at the airport without any information.

I thought about his response (“I hope we can continue to be friends”). I reflected on my feelings and my decision. Was I being unreasonable? Was I being closed minded, or lacking understanding?

Then I asked myself this question: Is that how’d you’d treat your mother?

This fellow loves and respects his mother. I cannot imagine him leaving her standing at the airport, wondering whether someone would be picking her up.

That’s how he (and all service providers) should treat their customers. Like their mothers.

That includes , attentiveness, consideration…

If my friend’s mother was at the airport, he would have done whatever he needed to to make sure she was picked up.

He left me standing there.

Bad business, unprofessional, and rude.

When deciding how to treat our customers, we should always ask “Is that how I’d treat my mother?” If the answer is “no,” then do something different.

 

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Here’s your gun, there’s your foot

Agile & Lean, Coping and Communicating | Posted by Doc
Jun 10 2009

Being timely is a significant aspect to .

Too many people make the mistake of thinking Agile means unstructured, loose.

Flexible does not mean “I don’t need to show up on time.”

Flexible does not mean “I don’t need to meet my commitments.”

Agile does not mean “I can do what I want when I want, as long as I’m communicating.”

What brings this up for me today is the experience of attending a showcase, and having the lead developer, who was to present the showcase, show up 15 minutes late.

We have a room full of customers and project members, and we’re all sitting around with our thumbs up our butts waiting.

This is not Agile. This is failure. This is BAD PR for the project and for Agile.

It reminds me of the last speeding ticket I got (1996, in case you’re wondering).  I went to traffic school to clear the ticket.  The fellow teaching the class was a California Highway Patrolman. He said “Many times, when I stop someone for speeding, they tell me that they were rushing because they were late. I tell them ‘start leaving five minutes earlier.’”

Showing up late shows disrespect for everyone, and wastes a lot of time. Wasting time also wastes money (everyone is getting paid to sit there).

Leave five minutes earlier. Plan to arrive early, not just barely on time.

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Is it safe?

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Apr 06 2009

In any book on , meetings, or effective , you’ll encounter the concept of safety.

I think about safety a lot, because I think so many of us take it for granted, or think it’s safe when it’s not, or have different understandings of safe.

Here’s an example:

Marge: I think we should go to Flerbit’s for dinner.

Frank: That’s a dumb idea! We just went to Flerbit’s last week. Let’s go to Smagger’s instead.

Marge: Whatever you like, Frank.

Frank thinks it’s safe, because he feels comfortable and free to speak his mind.  And, after all, it must be safe because Marge agreed with  him, didn’t she?

Marge feels like there’s just no point in speaking at all, because Frank always points out her shortcomings, makes her feel stupid, and always gets his own way.

Does Marge feel safe?

Let’s try another example:

Dunstan: I just finished writing the tests for the code we’re working on. They all passed.

Ben: Of course they did. You always forget to deal with <situation>.

Dunstan: I don’t forget about it, I just ignore it because you always change the code.

Ben: Oh, so it’s my fault?

Dunstan: Well, if you wouldn’t say it’s done before it’s done…

Does either of these guys really feel safe?

Let’s get back to the definition of safe.  Here’s my definition:

A safe situation is one in which all parties have confidence that they can express themselves and share their ideas and opinions without being attacked, assaulted, insulted, belittled, or otherwise mistreated just for speaking up.

A safe situation is one in which I can make a mistake, misstatement, or incorrect assumption, and still have people treat me with .

A safe situation is one in which I can share, have a dialogue, and feel like a whole, valuable human being at the end.

A safe situation allows for criticism, challenge, discussion, different ideas, exchanges of views, and allows all parties equal chance to hear and be heard.

Yes, all of that.

Let’s look at Frank and Marge. Marge made a suggestion. Frank belittled her by referring to it as dumb. Frank would tell you that he didn’t call Marge dumb, he called Marge’s suggestion dumb. Frank doesn’t seem to grasp that Marge has an attachment to her ideas, and that calling her idea dumb is tantamount to calling her dumb. Frank probably doesn’t understand that being abrupt and judging can lead his listener to feel hurt or angry.

Now for Ben and Dunstan.

Both of these guys treat the other with disrespect.  They get into an attack/counterattack mode.  Ben talks to Dunstan disrespectfully, so Dunstan counterattacks. Why? Because it comes naturally. If I am caught up in how you make me feel, then if I feel bad I also feel justified in giving as good as I got. If I’m focused on the contention, then I’m not focused how well we’re communicating, and I’m less likely to share/contribute/participate.

Let’s look at alternate versions of these exchanges:

Marge: I think we should go to Flerbit’s for dinner.

Frank: I like Flerbit’s too, and we just went to Flerbit’s last week. Let’s go to Smagger’s instead.

Marge: Okay – that’s a good idea. I’m up for that, Frank.

Small changes make big differences. Staying away from judging, emotionally loaded words like “dumb” allows the exchange to be positive and friendly instead of hostile and frustrating.

Dunstan: I just finished writing the tests for the code we’re working on. They all passed.

Ben: That’s great, Dunstan. How about <situation>? I know we’ve chatted about it.

Dunstan: I’ve had to rework the tests a couple of times in the past. I’d rather wait until you tell me that it’s really done. Is that okay?

Ben: Ah. Hmm. Yes, I think that’s reasonable. So maybe next time you could tell me “all of the tests, except the ones for <situation>, have passed”? That way I’ll know and we won’t have any misunderstanding. Would that work?

Dunstan: Good idea. Sorry I didn’t say it that way this time.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you behave with mutual respect, engage in dialogue as opposed to attack and counterattack, and commit to and .

Here are three questions for you:

  1. What’s your definition of safe for yourself?
  2. What does it take for you to feel safe?
  3. What do you do to make it safe for others?
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Respect

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Mar 19 2009
I like this post from Cory Foy. He talks about the difference between actually feeling for someone, and showing respect (or, as I would say, behaving respectfully).
Generally, I would say that everyone deserves to be treated with respect, because how we behave/treat people, reflects on us, not on them.
How I feel about someone else is up to me, and should not determine my . Certainly it may influence my behavior, but should not determine it.
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Facilitation Antipattern: Terrible Tweeter

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Mar 06 2009

twitterMotto: I have important work to do, and can multitask.
: I am able to do multiple things at once, and give each the sufficient attention to get value from it. I’m not bothering anyone, so why not?
: Is typing on notebook computer, sending and receiving emails and tweets and IM on phone, and/or working on paperwork regardless of what else is going on.
Characteristics: Articulate, connected, overcommitted, busy, self-focused


Someone suggested calling this one “Typist” or “Emailer” or any of a number of other things.  They all apply.

I was giving a presentation the other day at ITARC Atlanta, and a friend of mine was sitting in the back of the room with his computer open. It was a large room, with about 12 rows of tables and chairs, so my friend was way in the back. Still, I was aware of him working on his computer the whole time I was presenting. I knew he had a presentation the next day, and was probably working on his slides. I suspect that some of the attendees were aware of him working on his computer, and maybe it didn’t bother them. Still

First of all, it doesn’t matter what the Terrible Tweeter believes about themselves, it’s distracting for others. Seeing/hearing someone typing and reading on some device, while I’m trying to focus on the meeting, is just distracting. Period.

Second, having been guilty of this myself, I can tell you that it’s not possible to give more than one thing appropriate attention, nor to derive real value if you’re not paying attention. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “would you repeat that, please?” when doing something other than paying attention.

In fact, the Terrible Tweeter is one of the things I love about Technology. Why? Because folks who attend OS events seem to fully embrace the idea that anyone might not be completely engaged in what’s going on, and also that the spirit of OST allows them to say “what you’re doing is distracting me – would you mind either stopping or doing it elsewhere?” without leading to offense/hurt feelings, most of the time. It’s also entirely acceptable to tweet/blog/whatever within reasonable limits without it being distracting.

Take a look at the tweets that were posted during the recent ALT.NET Seattle Open Space Conference. There was a lot of value there. I have no doubt that some of the attendees were actually updating the event wiki during the sessions.

At most meetings and events, however, this kind of is distracting and detrimental to the goals and purpose of the group.

Be engaged, or be disengaged. Don’t pretend to be one while doing the other.

The Terrible Tweeter is a perfect candidate for the Facilitation Four-Step.

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Endings and Beginnings

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 11 2008

From Teamwork Is An Individual Skill by Christopher Avery:

I won’t pretend we can do much to avoid endings. They are as inevitable as beginnings. But I have observed that we can improve the quality of endings by avoiding three things:

  1. Burning bridges
  2. Harming reputations
  3. Being inhumane to oneself and others

Reading this took me back to the first time I was an owner of a company. I had a partner, Duane Roberts, who is 12 years older than me. Our company was what would be called an outsource software developer these days, based in Silicon Valley. We had one who was becoming very troublesome and obnoxious.

I wanted to just cut them off and tell them what I thought of them.

Duane said “don’t burn your bridges – you never know when it’ll come back to bite you.”

Wise man, Duane.

It’s so easy to leave the intimacy of a , relationship, environment and figure you’re just done. “Ah, hell, I’m gone – I don’t have to worry about being nice anymore!”

Not so. You never know when someone you used to work with will be in a position to make a difference in your life or career.

The golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated (my phrasing).

The platinum rule: treat others as they would like to be treated (also my phrasing).

I don’t know of any rules that say “treat others like crap.”

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