Responsibility | The Doctor Is In

Posts Tagged ‘responsibility’

Who is You?

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Mar 24 2009

When I was in my teens, my brother David (two years older) was beginning college. He came home from school one day and said that he’d learned one lesson that he really liked: when I’m talking about myself, I should say “I” not “you”.

You know what I mean, don’t you?

Someone asks a question, and I say “Well, you know, when you do [whatever] you feel [some way] and then you [do something].” How come if I’m talking about me I keep saying “you”?

This ties back to IAAM, of course.

If I say “I”, then I’m taking ownership of the good and the bad. Whereas if I say “you” I’m sharing it with – well – everyone. And if everyone says this or does this or feels this way, then it must be okay, right?

You know – when you admit how you feel, and maybe you’re not altogether proud of feeling that way, then if you make it seem as if it’s a common way to feel then you feel better, right?

Oh, wait. Look at what I just did. Let’s see how it sounds if I say…

You know – when I admit how I feel, and maybe I’m not altogether proud of feeling that way, then if I make it seem as if it’s a common way to feel then I feel better, right?

Does it feel different to you, too? The first one distances the whole issue from me, and allows me to feel safer. The second one makes it very personal, and I feel vulnerable and exposed.

Ooooooooo.

Have you noticed this about yourself or those around you? That when you/they are talking about yourself/themselves, you realize that you/they always say it as if it’s not really about them?

Yeah, that’s the safe way.

If it’s you, maybe you should think about taking ownership of your stuff, and saying “I” instead of “you”. Then, when you’re communicating with your team, your family, or your friends, they will be dealing with the real you, not the generalized-safe-it’s-not-just-me version of you.

And then send a nice thank you note to my brother David in Melbourne.

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Tags: behavior, communication, responsibility, self deception
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Looking forward

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Mar 17 2009

Read the rest of this entry »

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Tags: Agile, communication, Facilitation, meetings, responsibility, retrospective, roles
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I’m a jerk

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Mar 09 2009

Well, maybe not so much any more. But I definitely was.

What do I mean by “jerk?”

I believed that what I wanted came first. I believed that what I thought was more important that what other people thought. I believed that I was entitled to tell them that I was right and they were wrong. I believed that it was okay to be “honest,” regardless of how the other person felt about it.

What brought this to mind?

I was sitting looking at my wife, and wondering why she stuck it out. Truly. She met me when I was pretty much at my peak of jerk-ness, and survived all it took – including martial arts and a heart attack – for me to learn how important other people are. And for me to start taking responsibility for my own feelings and behavior.

(If you get the impression that I think my wife is a remarkable woman, you’re right.)

I’m still a jerk sometimes. I still forget to think first, and think in the right way, about the people around me. It’s true – I’m imperfect.

Like you.

One of the hardest lessons of my life has been learning to stop, think, look, and think again before I speak. In fact, I’ll include writing emails in “speaking.”

When I write an email, I read it through and edit it at least three times. Because I’ve made too many mistakes by making too many assumptions or by not stopping to think.

At least with an email, the other person can take their time before dealing with their reactions and responses.

In person, the impact is frequently much worse.

Can you stop being a jerk?

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Tags: assumptions, behavior, feelings, responsibility
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Facilitation Antipattern: Terrible Tweeter

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Mar 06 2009

Motto: I have important work to do, and can multitask.
Belief: I am able to do multiple things at once, and give each the sufficient attention to get value from it. I’m not bothering anyone, so why not?
Behavior: Is typing on notebook computer, sending and receiving emails and tweets and IM on phone, and/or working on paperwork regardless of what else is going on.
Characteristics: Articulate, connected, overcommitted, busy, self-focused

Someone suggested calling this one “Typist” or “Emailer” or any of a number of other things. They all apply.

I was giving a presentation the other day at ITARC Atlanta, and a friend of mine was sitting in the back of the room with his computer open. It was a large room, with about 12 rows of tables and chairs, so my friend was way in the back. Still, I was aware of him working on his computer the whole time I was presenting. I knew he had a presentation the next day, and was probably working on his slides. I suspect that some of the attendees were aware of him working on his computer, and maybe it didn’t bother them. Still…

First of all, it doesn’t matter what the Terrible Tweeter believes about themselves, it’s distracting for others. Seeing/hearing someone typing and reading on some device, while I’m trying to focus on the meeting, is just distracting. Period.

Second, having been guilty of this myself, I can tell you that it’s not possible to give more than one thing appropriate attention, nor to derive real value if you’re not paying attention. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “would you repeat that, please?” when doing something other than paying attention.

In fact, the Terrible Tweeter is one of the things I love about Open Space Technology. Why? Because folks who attend OS events seem to fully embrace the idea that anyone might not be completely engaged in what’s going on, and also that the spirit of OST allows them to say “what you’re doing is distracting me – would you mind either stopping or doing it elsewhere?” without leading to offense/hurt feelings, most of the time. It’s also entirely acceptable to tweet/blog/whatever within reasonable limits without it being distracting.

Take a look at the tweets that were posted during the recent ALT.NET Seattle Open Space Conference. There was a lot of value there. I have no doubt that some of the attendees were actually updating the event wiki during the sessions.

At most meetings and events, however, this kind of behavior is distracting and detrimental to the goals and purpose of the group.

Be engaged, or be disengaged. Don’t pretend to be one while doing the other.

The Terrible Tweeter is a perfect candidate for the Facilitation Four-Step.

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Tags: antipattern, Facilitation, Open Space, respect, responsibility, unconference
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Convergence (not the pattern)

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 26 2009

What’s interesting to me is that I’ve seen my own posts slowly converging, as I mentioned in “A pattern of antipatterns (part 2).”

Part of that convergence came from the higher order patterns IAAM- and IAAM+.

And part comes from my reasonably consistent system of behavior and understanding.

Being a lifelong science fiction fan, it reminds me of the convergence that occurred in Isaac Asimov’s Robots storiesand Foundation series. Two seemingly separate store lines, converging as they evolved.

For me, the whole thing is reaffirming – that these two threads of my thinking and writing are coming together. It’s not really a surprise to me, but I didn’t plan it this way.

I think I’ll start thinking about how the taking-personal-responsibility stuff relates to the facilitation-and-meeting-participation stuff, as I continue forward.

There’ll be more patterns and antipatterns, and also more ways of dealing with them, and more on how our individual behavior and responsibility comes into play.

And no, I’m not comparing myself to Isaac Asimov!

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Tags: antipattern, behavior, communication, Facilitation, responsibility
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Facilitation Pattern: Convergence

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 24 2009

In what is arguably one of the best-known and classic works on facilitation, Facilitator’s Guide to Participatory Decision-Making, Sam Kaner talks about the complementary processes that occur in decision-making: divergent thinking and convergent thinking. Here’s what he says:

“At times the individual members of a group need to express their own points of view. At other times, the same people want to narrow their differences and aim the discussion toward closure. These two sets of processes will be referred to as ‘divergent thinking’ and ‘convergent thinking.’”

Accepting Kaner’s words and work, we would consider this to be a natural occurrence in groups, but only when there is a skilled facilitator or leader present to ensure that divergence turns into convergence. And it is clear that it is essential that divergent thinking make that shift into convergent thinking in order for the group to reach some kind of decision.

A leader will emerge

This reminds me of something I learned in my Master’s Degree work years ago. My professor was Joe Luft, co-creator of the Johari window with Harry Ingham (get it? Joe-Harry => Johari). The Johari window is a model of relationships and communications that has been widely accepted. During a class on group dynamics, Joe made a statement that has stuck with me for thirty years: in any group, regardless of who is nominally in charge, a leader will emerge. That is, while there may be someone there in the group who is given the title or responsibility to be the “leader,” inevitably someone (and it may be that same person), will emerge to guide, direct, lead the group.

Leading or allowing someone else to lead

As a facilitator, you may be expected to be the “leader” and turn divergence into convergence. Or you may be expected to recognize when a member of the group steps up (overtly or simply through behavior) to demonstrate effective leadership, guiding the group from divergence to convergence. This ability to recognize that members of the group are stepping into key roles is an essential skill for a facilitator.

It is not always the facilitator’s responsibility/job to do everything. Sometimes it is the job of the facilitator to sit back and let the group go forward on its own.

So it is with convergence. There comes a point when, as a facilitator – or even as a member of the group – that you recognize that the turn must be made. If it is not happening on its own, then it is up to you to take some action. That action is not standing up and saying “Okay – enough divergent thinking, get on with the convergent thinking!” Rather, you are expected to have the skills to help and guide the group toward convergence.

Tactics that come to mind include:

“I see that there is some disagreement here. Let’s see what we can do to find some commonality.”
Sometimes, I suggest that two advocates of opposing views each take on the other’s position and argue it.

Rather than having me try to explain it all to you, I’ll suggest that you read Kaner’s work. There are lots of good diagrams, along with the words.

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Tags: behavior, communication, Facilitation, facilitator, guide, pattern, relationships, responsibility, roles
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The two faces of “It’s all about me!”

Coping and Communicating, Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 22 2009

When you hear me say “It’s all about me!” (IAAM), do you think “How horribly selfish and self-centered!” or “How aware and evolved.”?

There are certainly more than just two faces to the concept, and yet these are the two extremes, in my mind.

Ego-Driven, Self-Centered “It’s all about me!” (IAAM-)

As I write about facilitation antipatterns, it’s clear that I’m focusing on the self-centered, ego-need-driven side of “It’s all about me!” Look at Professor Moriarty or the Orator or the Dominator. For each of them, they want – perhaps need – the focus and attention of the group.

IAAM- (the negative IAAM) clearly is driven by the needs and desires of the speaker/actor, rather than a focus on improving communications or teamwork or anything else. While the person exhibiting IAAM- may convince themselves that they’re doing it “for your good” or “for the good of the group”, I believe that their reality is quite different – that they’re doing it because they need it to feel better about themselves. They may start from a position of low self-esteem or insecurity, as surprising as that sounds.

There are many common behaviors, for those who don’t feel good about themselves. Two that come to mind here are “pay attention to me” and “make you feel bad so you’ll recognize my power”. Both of these are instances of IAAM-.

I did it a lot, in the earlier days of my marriage. Having to be right, as opposed to having a dialogue with my wife. Explaining how she didn’t understand, instead of finding common ground. Taking the center stage, rather than participating and allowing others to participate. These are examples of IAAM-.

Taking Responsibility, Connection-Focused “It’s all about me.” (IAAM+)

In my writing (and talking and talking and… ) about communication, I tend to focus on a movement away from IAAM- and toward IAAM+ as an understanding of human behavior and interactions.

In IAAM+, it’s two-sided: understanding that my behavior expresses who I am, what I believe, how I feel; and understanding that your behavior expresses the same things about you. As I embrace and internalize that understanding, my behavior changes, because my focus changes. And sometimes, by changing my behavior towards what I would like it to be, I change my feelings and understanding.

Communication and Facilitation and Participation

It all comes together in many places and times. Including in meetings. When I find myself thinking “he always…” or “she’s doing that because…” and I assign motivations and assume what’s going on inside someone else’s head, I push myself back from IAAM- toward IAAM+. At least, I try.

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Tags: behavior, communication, Facilitation, human interaction, meetings, responsibility, selfishness
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Why bother?

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 18 2009

“Okay, Doc,” you say, “I’ve tried all this taking ownership stuff, and being aware and such, and it’s not working.”

What do you mean it’s not working?

“Well, no matter what I do, the other person just isn’t changing their behavior! So why bother?”

This is one of the great fallacies that I encounter all the time.

Did I ever tell you that doing everything well will somehow lead to the other person changing?

I don’t think so.

Doing it well – not right, but well – is about you. After all, it’s all about you.

Some people will respond by changing their behavior towards you (and maybe towards others, as well). And others won’t.

Doing it well, taking ownership, changing your behavior and your reactions, is all about you.

Don’t worry about them.

Are you worth it?

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Tags: behavior, responsibility
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Facilitation Antipattern: Hoarder

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 12 2009

Motto: The more I have, the more important I am.
Belief: Controlling information gives me power and makes me important.
Behavior: Doles out information in little bits, controlling the flow. Waits to be asked before sharing.
Characteristics: Quiet, selfish, frightened, insecure, terse

The Hoarder is all about control of information. She believes that it’s all that gives her an edge, makes her important, in a world that seems hostile and highly competitive. She rarely shares without being directly asked, because it’s only her control of information that maintains her sense of position and power.

This is not to say that Hoarders are actually powerful. Their power – such as it is – is illusory and mostly perceived only by the Hoarder. Others frequently see the Hoarder as obstructionist, frustrating, and self-serving.

Since Hoarders are naturally insecure and suffering from self-image issues, dealing with them requires putting aside your emotional reactions and biases toward this kind of behavior, and encouraging them through recognition and appreciation.

As with most of the antipatterns, the people who exhibit Hoarder tendencies can be either moderate or pathological. That is, some do it out of habit, rather than a psychological need to be in control. These folks will probably respond readily when either encouraged or when having it privately explained to them. Note that I said “explained to them” not “confronted”. Confrontation implies attack and hostility, at least to some degree, and those are rarely useful.

The pathological, however, as with most of the antipatterns, are outside the scope of your ability or responsibility as a facilitator or coworker or friend to deal with. Please be careful in these circumstances. It’s not your job to deal with pathologies – issues that are deep and tightly held.

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Tags: antipattern, behavior, communication, Facilitation, human interaction, meetings, responsibility, roles, selfishness
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What’s in it for me?

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc

Feb 12 2009

I’m going back to my premise that we’re all born selfish, grow up selfish, and die selfish. The difference between those whom society labels as selfish and those it doesn’t is the degree to which they have not learned to socialize their selfishness.

To phrase it differently, everything I do is about me, preferably about making me feel good (about myself, of course). If you want the context of this, please go back and read It’s All About Me.

What led to this particular post, today, was a conversation I had with an old friend of mine. She’s working as the assistant manager at a toy store, and had a question/challenge regarding one of the staff. Here’s the dialogue:

Friend: hey, mr facilitator - I could use your advice with a co-worker's
        communication

Me    : mmhmm

Friend: ... has been with us for ages. she got pretty pissed when I was
        made asst mgr instead of her, but she and I are working together
        ok. she gets phone calls (anyone can answer the phone) from the
        office, asking her/us to do something. she'll do the thing, but
        never tells anyone abt the msg/event, which causes problems.
        I've asked her to let us know when she gets msgs like that, she
        says she will, but doesn't. any ideas on how to change her
        behavior?
Friend: not sure if it's a passive/agressive thing, or what.

Me    : hmm...
Me    : Make it be to her advantage to change

Friend: hmm, to her advantage.....

Me    : so far, it's "tell me so I'll know"
Me    : how about "tell me so I can make sure you get recognition for
        all you do"?

Friend: aha!

Me    : I'd guess she has no incentive to give you what you want if
        she doesn't see the value for her
Me    : so appeal to her selfishness (you know my position on that)
Me    : and then ask her how she'd like that to work

Friend: you're absolutely right. I hadn't seen that there was no
        "her" in it
Friend: hunh!
Friend: she doesn't realize how hard we're working to keep her job
        - everything she does, and it is much, is almost invisible

And there you have it. Dealing with the reality that each of us is looking for what’s in it for us.

Yes, I said “reality”, because that’s what I believe.

I don’t think badly of the other woman that my friend is dealing with. She’s normal – she’s looking for motivation that makes sense within her world view.

Few of us do things altruistically. Even when we’re doing a good job for the benefit of the organization we work for, it’s about (a) keeping our job, and (b) enjoying the feeling of belonging to and contributing to something bigger than ourselves.

I’ll say it again – I don’t see this as a negative or bad thing. Understanding this helps me to more effectively deal with the people in my world.

If you doubt me, ask yourself the question “Why am I doing this?” and use the Five Whys technique to help you get closer to the core.

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Tags: behavior, belief, communication, learned behavior, responsibility, self gratification, self image, selfishness
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The Doctor Is In

Posts Tagged ‘responsibility’

Who is You?

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Looking forward

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I’m a jerk

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Facilitation Antipattern: Terrible Tweeter

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Convergence (not the pattern)

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Facilitation Pattern: Convergence

A leader will emerge

Leading or allowing someone else to lead

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The two faces of “It’s all about me!”

Ego-Driven, Self-Centered “It’s all about me!” (IAAM-)

Taking Responsibility, Connection-Focused “It’s all about me.” (IAAM+)

Communication and Facilitation and Participation

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Why bother?

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Facilitation Antipattern: Hoarder

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What’s in it for me?

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Posts Tagged ‘responsibility’

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A leader will emerge

Leading or allowing someone else to lead

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Ego-Driven, Self-Centered “It’s all about me!” (IAAM-)

Taking Responsibility, Connection-Focused “It’s all about me.” (IAAM+)

Communication and Facilitation and Participation

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Places to Find Me

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Do something about it, or…

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Doc on the Web

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