Posts Tagged ‘responsibility’

Feeling – no – being vulnerable

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 11 2009

Vulnerability is a funny thing. I think that the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the stronger I become.

The challenge for most of us is that when we feel vulnerable, we also feel the need to protect ourselves – to be defensive.

Defensiveness can take on a number of different aspects: classic defensiveness (explaining, justifying), counterattacking, withdrawal, redirecting. Sadly, none of these is effective when it comes to having an effective discussion and maintaining a healthy relationship.

There are two sides to dealing with vulnerability: our own, and others’.

In dealing with my own vulnerability, I have to decide whether I think it is good to expose and accept my vulnerability or not.  After all, we are all truly vulnerable. Whether it’s in work (someone else has control over my fate), romantic (if I reveal my , what if the other person doesn’t reciprocate), family , or elsewhere, we’re always vulnerable.

I suspect that you know some of the same kinds of people I do, those who choose to try never to reveal vulnerability. These are the people who are depriving themselves of the richness and joy (along with some of the pain and sorrow) of fully explored relationships. You know them. You might say “he always seems to have a shell, a barrier” or “no one ever seems to really get to know her”.

I’m mostly at the other end of the spectrum. My barriers are – at best – permeable, where they exist at all.  I’d rather be vulnerable – and honest – than worry about hiding things and protecting myself. I believe that by being willing to share who I really am, I gain a tremendous amount from the community in which I move.

Being vulnerable is frightening. Really. Revealing your inner self, your real feelings, your flaws and foibles – this puts you at risk of having someone use that knowledge to their advantage and to your detriment, right?

So what.

If they try to use what they know about me to their advantage, that’s about them, not me.

If they try to use what they know to my disadvantage, that’s also about them, not me.

Yes, others can cause me trouble by knowing about me. I accept that, because what I’m talking about is what’s really me.

I believe that it’s easier to move about as the real you than as some image you create for your use.  Yeah, I’m talking about me and about you.

Let me not forget about addressing others’ vulnerabilities. It’s simple – if I treat others with respect and honor, if I behave with , if I do NOT use what I know about others to my advantage or to their disadvantage, then vulnerability… isn’t.

In the public speaking community, one of the bits of wisdom is that the most successful speakers are real and vulnerable. They share their own stories, including their own failings and missteps. This is true of public figures in general – we tend to like and trust people whom we think of as real.

How about you? Are you willing to be vulnerable and real?

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Facililtation Antipattern: Zealot

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 09 2009
ZealotMotto: The force of my convictions makes me right!
: If you understand what I’m saying, then you must agree with me. My conviction is my strength.
: Speaks with passion and fervor, acting in the sincere belief that she is right and that if she pursues the topic long enough, others must see the rightness of her argument and agree with her.
Characteristics: Passionate, articulate, determined, argumentative, zealous

The Zealot (sometimes known as The Missionary) believes strongly, even passionately, in whatever they believe in. No half-measures for them.

They are willing to argue, fight, persuade, convince, and argue some more to win you over to their point of view. This means that they have the tendency to dominate a discussion, in their passion for what they know to be true/right.

This has the effect of taking over a meeting so that it is entirely focused on the Zealot’s issue. Which suits the Zealot just fine, but does not contribute to the group’s overall success.

It is important to realize that the Zealot is thoroughly well-intentioned, believing that they are serving you/the group by convincing anyone and everyone of the rightness of their view. They have nothing but good intentions, in fact. You might find yourself having the opportunity to ask “the question” (see I feel sad) from Crucial Conversations.

Dealing with this requires the strength to choose when to cut off a conversation (The Facilitation Four-Step), offer to either park it or consider it done, and keep the group moving forward. Challenging, but relatively straightforward.  This also requires the support of the other participants, which is usually forthcoming.

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Lying to myself

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 06 2009

Getting back to the idea of taking for my own , I got to thinking about why we push onto others. After all, the feelings are coming from inside us, right?

Let’s say we’re having a conversation, and you say something about my mother, and I get angry.

Why do I get angry?

I’m not a psychotherapist, in spite of my education in psychology and a family full of psychotherapists*. I am a student of human nature, so I’ll take my best guess.

I’d say there are some good possibilities: I feel disrespected; I feel that I – through what you said about my mother – am being judged; I love my mother, and feel that you’ve disrespected her.

All of these are valid. Yet why angry? Why would any of these lead to me feeling angry?

I believe that it comes down to my sense of self-worth – that somehow, by disrespecting and/or judging me and/or my mother, you have also called into question my value on this planet.

Okay – I get that, too. Having someone question your value could be annoying.

But why? Why does someone else’s opinion, , or random thought matter?

Because I don’t want to – or can’t – acknowledge or deal with my own fear of being less valuable. And you’ve just put it out there in words!

So I you.  Internally, I believe it’s your . Externally, I take action on that belief.

I’m lying. I’m lying to myself and telling myself that I’m angry because you have disrespected me. I’m lying to you in the same way.

Perhaps the real problem is my self-image and sense of self-worth. Perhaps if I felt more comfortable with who I am and what I do and all the rest of it, instead of feeling angry, I’d feel some pity and/or sympathy.

In retrospect, this is part of what happened with my friend the other day in our email exchange that I mentioned in Learning to type. It would have been very easy to react to his hostility and his hurtful words. It was tempting now and then.

Fortunately for me, I’ve been working on not lying to myself, not lying to others, not taking responsibility for others’ feelings and behaviors, and not assigning responsibility for my feelings and behaviors.

He didn’t make me angry, nor did I feel angry, because I recognized what was going on. It was like a rain storm – nothing I can do about it, it’s got nothing to do with me, and I just have to wait and it’ll end.

Being honest with myself is hard. Being honest with you is harder. And both are worth doing.

* Here’s the story: My father’s father was a psychologist. My father and his sister were psychologists. My older brother is a psychologist. My two younger sisters are psychotherapists. I’ve had a couple of stepmothers who are psychotherapists. My mother worked in business and then in foundations until she was 60, went back to school to get a graduate degree and became a psychotherapist. In spite of my undergraduate and graduate education in clinical psychology, I’ve never been a practicing psychotherapist.

I refer to myself as the white sheep of the family. ;)

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Facilitation Antipattern: The Qualifier

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 04 2009
qualifierMotto: Better safe than sorry.
: If I don’t assert it, you can’t challenge me for it. And if you do, I can always backpedal.
: Qualifies statements with words/phrases like “sort of”, “kind of”, “about”, “just”, “basically”, “actually”
Characteristics: Tentative, somewhat defensive, somewhat insecure

While this is an , it’s a subtle one. After all, how damaging or destructive can it be to say “I kind of think that…”

This applies both in group participation and in presentation. The qualifiers – kind of, sort of, about, just, basically, actually – take away from the value of what is being said.

And, as I said, it’s subtle. The subtlety is that when I say “I sort of think you should do X”, it comes across as uncertain. First, that puts everything else I say into doubt, since I sound like I’m not really sure. Second, my listeners are subconsciously taking what I’ve said from an assertion – I think you should – to a question – Do you think you should – which also shifts the .

Of course, what the qualifiers also do is leave me an out. If challenged, I can say “Well, I didn’t say you should, I said I kind of think you should.”

Why leave an out? Why not commit?

In a group dialogue, it is important to recognize that the value of each contribution is affected by the words we use and the way we say things.

Don’t qualify unless there’s a very good reason to qualify.

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Learning to type

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 04 2009

Anne Epstein (twitter: @ajepst) tweeted:

Cory Haines' post http://is.gd/im5f reminds me of learning to type.
You never learn until you stop looking @ the kb

Followed by this:

Stop looking at the keyboard, speed goes *way* down immediately.
Then, you get faster than you were at hunt n' peck...eventually

My response was this:

@ajepst there's some profundity in that beyond just about typing,
 isn't there?

It really got me to thinking about how hard is, because that’s what this exchange is really about: change.

In fact, my entire series of posts in this category, Coping and Communicating, is largely about change.

Learning to see my own as my own, to see your as being about you and your , and understanding that we only interact at the external, behavioral level – that’s all about changing.

Change isn’t instant. Change takes practice and commitment. Change usually involves some failures and some frustration and exasperation, and strong temptation to give up and go back to what we know that is comfortable.

Like learning touch typing. It’s easier to look at the keyboard and take your time, if that’s what you’re used to.  In fact, I’ve seen some hunt-n-peckers who are blazingly fast. But their focus is on the keyboard, not on what they’re typing, if they have to look to find the keys.

I was fortunate, in that I was required to learn touch typing in Junior High School in NYC. I was less fortunate when it comes to personal development.  There were no requirements, and I was able to self-delude into believing that there were no consequences.

It took a long time for me to embrace the ideas that I’ve been sharing here, and longer to actually be able to put them into practice.

Just this week, I had a lengthy email exchange with a dear friend. He was very angry, frustrated with me, and hostile. He swore at me, was accusatory, told me how much he’d done for me, and so on. I was able to listen, pay attention to what I saw as being most important (our relationship, and his difficulties, and  how I might help), and respond without taking any of it personally.  It felt really good.

Like when I realized that I could, in fact, type without looking at the keys (95 wpm, btw ;) ).

Thanks, Anne.  Thought-provoking.

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Whose fault

Coping and Communicating, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 03 2009

I’ve observed that we – human beings, homo sapiens, folks – have a tendency toward assigning and . I’m still struggling with this – both personally and intellectually.

Personally, I catch myself at it far more frequently than I’d like. I catch myself asking questions like “Whose fault is this?” rather than the question I much prefer: “How did we get here, and what did I do or not do that contributed?”

The idea of taking personal is an essential one in my life. It applies in my personal life, when dealing with family, friends and acquaintances.  And it applies in my professional life, when dealing with co-workers, colleagues, and business associates.

Assigning fault and/or blame is relatively easy to understand as a – if it’s someone else’s fault, then it’s not mine, and maybe I can feel better about myself. Of course, in taking that approach, I abrogate responsibility for my own behaviors or inactions, and disguise my own contributions.

Sadly, it doesn’t really work. I don’t actually improve my self-image by passing off the fault. All I do is mask my own of fear/inadequacy/responsibility/.  Really, it doesn’t work.

What it does is build up a backlog of self-deception. That backlog will come to bite me. I will become defensive, aggressive, and hostile when I am approached – even kindly or lovingly – about any incident where I might have some responsibility. Why? Because I feel challenged to own up to my own , and that’s just freakin’ hard.

Note that I say “responsibility”, not culpability, fault, or any other word that has implied in it.

Responsibility is a good thing, and there’s no judgment attached to taking or accepting responsibility.  Only to denying or declining responsibility for my own behaviors.

The next time you find yourself looking for someone to whom to assign fault and blame, stop and ask yourself my question: “How did we get here, and what did I do or not do that contributed?”

Then, take action on your answer first before looking for someone else.

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Faciliation Pattern: Sherlock Holmes

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Feb 02 2009
sherlockMotto: With enough information, we can reach a conclusion.
: It’s facts that count, not opinions, bound with reason.
: Asks questions, engages participants in inquiry, and guides them to reaching conclusions based on facts/information in evidence.
Characteristics: Patient, inquisitive, articulate

So much of what we do in is (or should be) around gathering information and moving to conclusions/solutions/decisions.

When you go to a meeting, which occupies you: Telling? Or asking?

Like Curious George, Sherlock Holmes is interested in gathering information through asking questions. Unlike Curious George, Sherlock Holmes also collects evidence, relates what he’s learned and gathered, and drives toward conclusions.

Sherlock Holmes, the fictional character, was known for his use of deductive reasoning. Using deductive reasoning, we move from the general to the specific. We collect evidence and knowledge, and then use that evidence and knowledge to reach conclusions.

Holmes was also known for employing abductive reasoning, along with deductive reasoning. One description of abductive reasoning is “creating new rules to explain new observations”.

The facilitator’s role is to use her skills in data gathering, , and to guide the participants. As noted repeatedly, it is not the facilitator’s role to offer the conclusions, although that happens from time to time. It is the facilitator’s role to use these skills to and teach.

As is no doubt becoming clear, many of these patterns and antipatterns overlap in various ways. That is, they are not mutually exclusive.

Coming up? Dr. Moriarty, The Evil Genius!

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Facilitation Antipattern: Conclusion Jumper

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 31 2009
conclusion_jumperMotto: I don’t need to hear everything you have to say – I’ve got it!
: I am quicker than others in figuring things out, and am required to tell them so.
: States a conclusion as if they have enough information, then argues the point.
Characteristics: articulate, convincing

In my life, I have been so guilty of this. When I was younger, because I knew I was smart, I always assumed that I knew where the other person was going and would jump in. Of course, the other person was offended/annoyed, even if I was right.

Why? Because they wanted to finish what they had to say. They didn’t care that I was impatient to move on, that I thought I knew what they were going to say and where they were going, that I thought I was smart  – they wanted a show of respect.

Yup – Conclusion Jumpers are generally disrespectful. What their behavior says is “I’m smart, I’m fast, and what you have to say is less important than my desire to show my smarts and move things forward.” Who is that about? Them – the Jumper – not me.

If you are a facilitator, even if only for one meeting, then your is to be patient, listen, ask questions – not interrupt, nor assume that you know what someone means or what they’re going to say. Your responsibility is to encourage all parties to listen to all parties – if you don’t do it, then they will learn that they don’t have to.

In fact, part of your responsibility is to teach everyone present about respect and and listening.

I seem to have used the word resonsibility a lot in this post, don’t I?

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Facilitation Pattern: Guide (aka Sherpa)

Facilitation, Musings | Posted by Doc
Jan 31 2009
Motto: I’m here to hold the lamp and show the way.
: My role is to help you find your way and shine the light where it’s needed.
: Listens, asks, reframes and rephrases.
Characteristics: Calm, attentive, patient, and offering.

There are many pitfalls (think of the word literally, as well as figuratively) in meeting with and talking with others. In the role of /Sherpa, the facilitator’s responsibilities include steering the group around the pitfalls, helping them to avoid the known dangers and recognize the signs of upcoming trouble.

In many ways, the Guide is also a teacher, as through his behavior, the Guide teaches the group what signs to look for.

Can a participant be a Guide? Of course.

One of the key factors in participatory/collaborative events of all kinds is attitude.

Do you ask “What am I going to get out of this?” or “What am I going to put into this?”

Simple wisdoms:

  • To give is to receive.
  • To teach is to learn.
  • Sometimes asking is telling/teaching.

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Facilitation Antipattern: Superhero

Facilitation | Posted by Doc
Jan 30 2009
super_dudeMotto: I’m here to rescue you.
: I bring special skills and knowledge, and you must want me to use them.
: Leaps into the breach to answer questions, solve problems, soothe injured , and otherwise care for the participants.
Characteristics: Gentle but firm, frequently offering answers/solutions rather than asking questions.

As a facilitator, we’re not present to answer questions or solve problems. And yet, especially if we have domain expertise, it’s tempting to leap into the breach. After all, not using our expertise is depriving the participants of value, right?

Nope.

As hard as it is, I tell everyone I train in that they must be prepared to leave their biases, opinions, and tendency toward rescuing people and situations outside.

When you rescue people or a situation, others don’t learn – well, they learn to depend on you to do it for them. It’s like the toddlers who always whine and reach up to be carried, because they’ve always been carried, so they always expect to be carried, so they don’t learn to get around well on their own.

As with most of the Patterns & Antipatterns I’ll be talking about, this applies equally to the facilitator and the participants. As a member of the group, if you keep providing solutions, others will start to pull back and let you do it all. While you might feel good as the superhero, you’re disempowering the team, and teaching them that it’s okay not to participate/contribute.

Don’t be a Superhero.

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