How many times have you found yourself feeling angry or hurt or amused, and yet been unable to put your finger on just what it was?
“He insulted me!”
“She hurt my feelings.”
“That was ridiculous.”
And the other person is confused, surprised, or hurt by your reaction. Why is that?
As attuned as I try to be to subtleties, I still find myself surprised at times.
One of the more common subtleties that I try to remain aware of is using comparative and judgmental words unintentionally, especially when facilitating meetings/discussions.
For instance, one person offers a comment, to which I say “thank you.” The next offers a comment, to which I respond “That was good.” Another offers a comment to which I say “Excellent!” What’s the impact on the first person? After all, I didn’t say their comment was good or excellent, so was their comment not as good as the other two? Did I somehow just slight that person? And the second person – did I imply that the third person’s comment was even better than theirs?
I can hear folks now saying “Are you telling me, Doc, that I have to think about every word I say before I say it? I mean, won’t that be a lot of work?”
Yes, and yes. Especially if you are in a position or role where your words have power and influence.
I haven’t forgotten my own philosophy – that It’s All About Me – that I’m not responsible for my listeners’ behavior or feelings. But I also remember that part of my thinking is that I can choose to be aware of the impact that my behavior may have on others, and choose to modify my behavior.
When I facilitate, I struggle to be aware of how what I say may impact those present, and to choose my words with care. I try to avoid comparatives (“better”), and judgmental terms (“good”, “thoughtful”). As a facilitator, it’s appropriate for me to recognize someone for speaking (“thank you”) and acknowledge them, but not to judge them or compare them.
